I can't tell others what they should believe in regarding faith, CSA and finding a new direction. I can only speak for me. As a Christian I know that CSA along with verbal and physical abuse are not what God wants for any child or adult. I've learned through my counselors that I had been programmed to believe abuse was all I was made for. It provided affection that I didn't get at home, having been born into a place that didn't really want me, at least that was the message I received clear enough. Others picked up on that, and through it used me for their own enjoyment. My CSA started around age 6, by age 9 or 10 I was an expert at providing oral sex and when puberty hit, I became promiscuous as many survivors do. I never left the Church, but fear kept me from saying anything and I always felt the best I could do was stand on the edge but not really be a part of the body of believers. I am lucky too as no one at Church ever abused me, I only wish I could have known how to reach out or that any adult had noticed I was in pain inside. The first person who abused me threatened to hit me if I didn't cooperate and provide what he wanted. So I did, as I got hit enough at home and knew what it meant. That started the programming in me, and I am pretty sure he let others know about "that kid will play". Each event deepened the programming, and further convinced me I was beyond God's love. Around age 9, four men picked me up when I was walking home and used me. I don't think anyone at home noticed I was gone for a couple of hours. Why? I can't understand that.

Still, I know now that was all a bunch of lies. I know too that God never left me and He has led me to people who helped me to see the truth. The hardest part of starting counseling was the feeling that other's had it much worse, as I have read in some stories here. My counselor taught me that even one event is bad, and that it is not a competition and it was not our fault! I know I have a lot of work yet to do, and I am finally getting to start counseling again this week. It will help to to keep on sorting out the things I still don't understand. There is a lot I don't understand and the confusion makes me sad. Still as I have said before, I know I am not defined by what they said I was. I am only defined by who God says I am, and He does not care where I have been, only where I am going. It feels like I have a long road ahead, but maybe it won't be as long as I'm feeling, and I know I am on the right path now. Even though I stumble at times, I really appreciate all that I'm learning here and know it's a privilege to be here. I will keep moving forward, I will figure it out and I will become the person God meant for me to be...


Edited by BuffaloCO (09/09/12 05:21 PM)
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“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato