That is a fine line... Marriage is a "duty" in some sense, you each have to put forth your duties to make the marriage work.

The love however, is not duty, it is not his "duty" to love you, nor is it yours to love him.
Now let's bring it down a notch and add abuse in.... My husband who is the survivor, often feels in our relationship there are things we need to do, not because he wants but because there is some unwritten law that that's how "normal" marriages are.
He saw and sometimes still sees everything as a "duty" because it means he can have control of the situation, it means because he can't let bad things happen if it's on the schedule to prevent it.

Please tell me if I am way off base, I am sure I am, these are just observations I have made from my own experience and learning from my husband .

My husband and I used to be so "robotic" in our marriage, I hated it!! No spontaneous moments, no just fun silly whatever's.. It was always planned.
He told me it's because he felt in control, the world could truly crumble if he didn't bear the weight of it...
I think your husband is hiding a lot of shame and guilt (normal for csa). Dealing with it might means he needs this "duty" structure.
He seems in no way comfortable with the marriage being a marriage? Again if I am wrong, terribly sorry.
My husband is now to the point where we can enjoy each other, we do spontaneous things, he doesn't feel like he has to do something or it's his duty to do something... He does it because he wants to, it's still a work in progress but I believe he will get there one day.

Patience, and boy a lot of it... This is a rocky road you are going down... But it is worth it.
You husband sounds like mine, the more I pushed, tried to change etc the more he pushed back, threw up a defensive wall.. Didn't want to change etc.

I backed off, supported him (not enable though) just support. Be there for him...
Also, take care of you, do not fall into the pit, or if you have get out as fast as you can!!! Being a supporter is draining, you can get wrapped up in it sooo quick, their problems start to become yours. As much as you want to help, or push him into the right direction, do not get sucked in.
I learned this the hard way, and am now slowly working my way back to my old self. It is a hard road, but I work at it day by day.

One decision you have to make, is do you really want to go through this? Are you ok taking this chance with absolutely no guarantees that he will be able to heal/move on. If you are afraid of being in a marriage that will forever be a duty, those are some serious questions to ask, because there are no guarantees with how long or what it will take for your marriage and your husband to be better.


Good luck.


Edited by shortieg (08/31/12 07:34 PM)