As someone without a full awareness of my abuse experience, as my name here suggests, I have deep empathy for your desire to WANT to know more but that's perhaps compounded by the fear of knowing what your subconscious decided was too much for your conscious mind to bear.
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"There is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces... even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar." -- from Moby-Dick