It is common to seek to re-live the abuse in one form or another, and it is common to feel messed up afterwards.
It's time to find a good therapist in your area to talk about things. I'm starting back with a new therapist after Labor Day.
I see you're new here... Look around, read some posts (but not too many at once), and start replying to some of the other posts in here. It will start to make sense and you'll know you're not alone.
"There is a Catskill eagle in some souls that can alike dive down into the blackest gorges, and soar out of them again and become invisible in the sunny spaces... even in his lowest swoop the mountain eagle is still higher than other birds upon the plain, even though they soar." -- from Moby-Dick