This is my first post here, so bear with me.
In the past year I have come to terms with the fact that my mother abused me. I am 29 now, and I was in denial for most of my life.
I have very vague memories of the incidents, and I think I may have blocked the most serious ones out.
The most prevalent memory I have is of my mother forcing raisins into my rectum. I believe I was around 7 years old at the time. This would usually occur during what she would call "torture time", a time when my dad was not there and she would commit various acts.
My mother is and was a large woman, and "torture time" usually consisted of her sitting on my face and farting, suffocating me with her buttocks, holding me down while she dangled spit in my face, and other non-sexual means of abuse. Occasionally, however, she would force raisins in my rectum.
I remember when I entered first grade that there was a girl my age who I "liked". My mother ridiculed me and made me feel embarrassed about this. I always felt embarrassed when she found out I "liked" a girl or started dating one. This lasted until my 20's. This began, again, around the time the abuse I remember began occurring.
I remember when I was approximately 10-13 years old we would watch HBO together late at night. When the soft-core porn would come on, she would not turn the channel and we would both watch it.
I also remember her allowing me to have pornography in my room, saying that it was "natural" for boys my age to want to see those things.
What scares me is that I used to have fairly frequent dreams about having sex with my mother. In the dreams, I knew it was wrong, but at the same time, as long as no one found out, it was OK. Since I began opening up about the "torture time" and raisin episodes to a counselor, the dreams have stopped.
I have a suspicion that I may be blocking out much more serious acts of abuse by my mother, and as I said, that scares me.
My mother was a very loving person most of the time. She and her sisters were sexually abused and raped by an uncle when they were little, and she has diagnosed mental conditions, possibly being Manic Depressive.
I have completely shut her out of my life and do not allow her contact with my children. I am fully intent on stopping the cycle and not exposing my children to any possibility of abuse by her.
I have feelings of anger toward her that will never be resolved, and right now I would be OK with never having contact with her again.
What I want to know is if anyone has dealt with documented repressed memories that manifested themselves through dreams. I hope that the dreams I used to have were some result of the abuse I can remember, but they were very vivid and I had them for a long time.