Don't belittle what you endured - you were assaulted! It happened to you and that is why you are feeling this way.
I, too, was raped by my older sister and what I remember most is the embarassment, I hadn't reached puberty yet. My little boy pee pee didn't have any hair yet. I was mortified!!! I hate my genitals to this day.
She made me "do it" and I didn't have any idea how to! I still feel like that lost little boy today.
When she realised I didn't know what to do, she made me watch her and her husband do it. I still try to recreate that experience thru acting out.
Ya, I feel like shit, too.
Lets keep talking. Gary
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!