My name is Lee. I’m 35, Married to an amazing woman and Father of 2 awesome kids!
So I've been going to counselling for a couple of months to see why I have had Erectile Dysfunction off and on for as long as I can remember. And of course it stirred up a heap of ‘stuff’ that I thought I had already dealt with.
I have 1 full brother (4 years older) and 1 half brother who didn’t live with us (10 years older). My dad never really gave me the time of day and it was just sort of understood that I was my mum’s and my older full brother was dad’s. My dad actually said in his speech at my brothers 21st that has always been his favourite (and my dad doesn’t even drink) So as a kid I would be left at home with mum while my dad and brother/s would go to the farm. So I don’t know exactly how old I was when it started but I think I was 3-8 years old. My half brother sexually abused me and I thought wow a man is showing me some attention and finally I can be ‘one of the boys’. I remember feeling very hurt when it stopped. I told no one until I was 11 – but my parents did nothing – not even said anything to my brother. I became a very high achiever and performed lead roles in school plays but my dad never came to watch me or said well done.
Still desperate for male attention I became an easy target and was sexually abused by other boys/men at 5, 10-12 and 15-18. I liked it and I started to wonder if I was gay. I went through puberty very young and fast and had full grown man genitals by the time I was 11. I am good looking fellow and I became very promiscuous with girls trying to prove I was straight but never actually had penetrating sex ( I was a Christian and you aren’t supposed to have sex until marriage).
So I was a ‘good’ Christian boy, youth leader etc and had to keep up appearances so I turned to internet porn for male comfort. I became addicted to gay porn and masturbation. Met my wife, fell in love and got married. I told her about my brother. He rang and apologised to me. Started out ok but I soon got worried when I couldn’t perform in the bedroom. Went back to porn within the first year. Had kids. We moved to another state after 9 years of marriage and I was there by myself for a couple of months until things were settled. Anyway I didn’t know that it is called the ‘rainbow region’ and there were men everywhere how wanted to have sex with me. I felt anonymous in a new state and my wife wasn’t around so I started having sex with men. I thought 'well maybe my tackle only doesn’t work with a woman'. I was wrong. Still a Christian and very confused. So now I go into a huge pit of self hate. I love my wife but what have I done to her. What have I become…..
When I was baptised the minister gave me this verse: ‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.’ Joshua 1:9 . I’m still trying to make sense of it all and am terrified I will lose it all when I tell my wife what I have done.
To make it worse – this weekend is my mum’s 70th birthday and I will be going home for the party and HE will be there. I am feeling very angry right now at both my brothers and my dad. I had a bit of a breakdown today and couldn’t stop crying for an hour (I don't cry). I thought my head and chest were going to explode and I just wanted to smash stuff.
I am feeling ok now. I just hope I can make it through the weekend without losing it. It isn’t the time or the place.
More than meets the eye!