Thank you, Jim, for welcoming me to talk about his here. I am glad to have found this board. I am in two worlds I never thought I'd never be part of now - divorce and CSA.
If I'd known then what I know now so much would have been different. Maybe he wouldn't have walked out. I would have been able to understand what was happening and act based on that instead of my spiraling depression, wondering why my husband didn't want to touch me and why I felt so lonely and neglected in my marriage. I spent my honeymoon in tears, one night cleaning up his projectile vomit from the bathroom floor. He used to whisper "don't leave me" in my ear, yet he left me.
Thank you Haps. I am seeing yet another therapist tomorrow to try and get my head around this. It's amazing that so much can simmer inside a person with not even their closest friends and family knowing.
At the moment I am less angry than I was. It comes in waves. I don't understand how he could knowingly do this to me. But there is solace in this board. Kindred souls it seems, people who understand.
I've started reading through the boards and the stories are heart breaking. And when our survivors hurt us it is really their abusers acting through them, continuing to hurt them. But then there's that whole taking responsibility for your actions thing. Not letting their abusers do it anymore. Man, it's complicated.
I have a good relationship with my adult stepdaughter. Our relationship really blossomed since my husband left. Prior to that, it seems that he did his best to prevent it, to keep us from being a family. She was a teenager when we met. She, of course, knows nothing of her fathers CSA. Do people tell their adult children? Not that he would. And I never, ever would. What role does "coming out" have in the healing process?
He seems to think he can deal with this on his own. Or not deal rather. But I know the only way out is through. Doesn't matter that I know I suppose. He needs to. And he might never. I lent him the book Silent Sons, which describes his behavior to a T. He says he'll read it. We'll see.
Thank you again to everyone. I'll continue to read and post and look forward to your words of wisdom and experience.