I am relatively new to discussion forums and these types of networking, but i live in a fairly rural area and i appreciate being in contact with a community that i'm not sure exists in-person in my community.
my husband and i have been together for a year and met through a 12 step program. At the time, I was just finishing EMDR for my own traumatic history, which involves a rape in my early twenties. My Husband was forward with me and I was with him: from the get-go neither of us was terribly interested in sex.
but several months later, the changes from my EMDR set in and i found myself desiring sex. We both have a lot of stability in our relationship. it's loving, it's balanced, it's respectful, and we openly love each other dearly. we've been going to couples counseling since the first month we started dating, since we knew we both needed help to be together.
we have started discussing having a child. he is 16 years older than me, this would be his first child and i am his first wife. but with a child, comes all the conversations about intimacy.
in the last month, i have put two and two together and have realized that he has probably experienced CSA and/or sexual trauma. I brought up the possibility with him and he agreed that it sounded likely. So we talked about it with our therapist who also agreed. I'm proud to say that my husband called an EMDR specialist right away and has his first appt. on monday.
however, i do not know what to do with the lack of intimacy. in one sense i understand it, since i had a lot of traumatic symptoms before my own EMDR. yet, my husband has gone years without sex, doesn't think about it, doesn't flirt, has no interest in anything sexually related. there are time limits on how long we can kiss or hug. he is very particular about the clothing that i wear, that it not be sexual, revealing, feminine. he isn't comfortable being naked, with me being naked, with any situation where either of us would be naked together or separate.
he jokingly asked if we could pursuit a child by thinking of sex as "farming."
he falls asleep when we talk about sex...narcoleptically: a coping mechanism i also had.
we are just starting out on this road. in his lifetime, he has overcome childhood abuse, poverty, homelessness, heroin addiction, alcoholism, and add/dyslexia. he's a successful man, a great husband, and i admire and respect him.
i am an independent person when it comes to my sexuality and i have managed to get to a place that no longer associates shame with sex. but i'm getting tired of taking care of sex by myself. it's something i want to share with him. and i'm not just tired, i'm heartbroken that sex is so locked down in our life. i "get in trouble" for flirting with him and he locks down and gets angry.
since i'm new to this and very familiar with the openness of the 12 step format, i'm willing to hear anything from anyone. i just don't know what to expect, where my expectations should be, what i should or shouldn't push. i've been trying to follow the guidelines i had from my own sexual trauma, but i'm beginning to see that it may different for men.
i'm afraid i need the basics and i would appreciate advice from anyone.
thanks in ak!