Esposa,

Using the term "you" is confusing in this context, at least to me. Are you desiring to offer opinions about negative consequences of survivors and addictions on this site? Are you upset over a conversation you and your survivor had?

Control is just that, control. In this context, the ability to conduct oneself in a manner one so chooses. Everyone has a free will, the ability to conduct themselves autonomously. When two people get married or enter into a binding relationship, then there SHOULD be confidential talk and planning that allows both parties to understand the actions of the other, no surprises. The extent at which both parties utilize this effects the perception of the relationship. Control is not something to be fought over. Local and federal authorities will not interfere with one's decision so long as it does not interfere with (the survivor's safety) or another's safety or right to conduct themselves how they choose. No matter what we wish for with regards to the health and well being of another, we can only deter or encourage our own thoughts from being expressed, considered, acted on or rejected. The strongest man or the wisest woman has no right to demand or control another.., any other, save minor children or those who cannot determine their own safety, as in those who may be intellectually disabled.

A supporter's opinion carries much weight in MaleSurvivor, so much so that it is mulled, commented on and considered at length. A supporter can offer their perspective of the survivor's personality and lifestyle while controlled by such influences, however, the decision to engage in such, even at the perception of the survivor's detriment by those who truly care for him.., is his alone. The supporter has an authority too, the supporter can decide that these influences are negatively affecting their relationship, their children's safety and/or their quality of life. The supporter can make affirming decisions, including creating healthy boundaries that have to be adhered to by the survivor, or else the supporter needs to make sure the children and themselves are safe. A quote that may be of interest is: When personal boundaries are created and enforced, the one creating the boundary lets go of the conclusion of the matter.

In my personal life, my wife and I share the responsibilities and consequences of life's decisions. There is no control but instead a mutual cooperation, then accepting whatever happens as the best we could muster at the time. Adjustments, setbacks and successes mark our history, we have few regrets.

Is something of concern to you, something that you wish to share with other supporters and survivors here in MaleSurvivor? That is very acceptable here. Is it about addictions, acting out or destructive behavior? Is something preventing you from posting about this here? Please bring it to the Moderators attention, we can help you resolve it. Are there replies that are negative or attacking in other posts? Again, the Moderators are here to support and encourage a healthy, healing environment.

Please feel free to contact us,
Sam

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MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014