I was talking to my godmother and something she said really got me upset. She said, "Well why didn't you just tell someone? You could've could you not?" And she was almost blaming me for being abused because I didn't speak up. This is one of the worst things to hear, because it makes me feel horrible. But it's not as simple as just telling someone, especially while the abuse is still happening. I would've rather DIED than anybody ever knowing what was going on. I felt filthy, disgusting, like I was a freak. Why would I ever tell? I was so ashamed, that's the last thing I ever wanted was for someone to find out. That while other kids at school were at home studying, doing homework, and hanging out with their friends, I was at home being raped by my own blood. I was raped in the ass, forced to swallow cum, and all kinds of things, I was just an object of sex, I was the filthiest of filthy. From the age of 9, I told myself UNDOUBTEDLY I would KILL myself if anyone EVER found out. I was caught once and I was about to run away and kill myself, the feeling such shame such abomination I just wanted to die right then and there. But it was sickeningly easy to convince them nothing happened, they didn't even question me! THEY JUST ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! NOBODY in my family did ANYTHING to stop it, even though I was caught and almost caught many times, it was blindingly obvious something was going on. My family swept it under the carpet in denial. Even if I did muster up the courage for me to tell what was happening they wouldn't do anything (Not even courage, it would have to be blind stupidity, nothing could make me tell). But in fact I did once tell my mom that I hated my cousin and I never wanted to see him again, but she kept having him come over. I was hopeless. I just had to take it. Telling was NOT an option, ever. They don't understand how fucked up I am because of it, they say well look at your sister look how good she did. Well I was robbed of everything, and I'm only now just able to start doing things now. I JUST got out of this hell, I only JUST got to tell, and I only JUST started therapy, what the hell do they expect from me? They're blind to what I went through, they can't understand that I'm SO far behind mentally, and they expect me to be an adult when I was never a kid. I feel like I'm just shit, like I'm broken, I don't have any control over anything, I have no security. Like this whole world is a black hole and is ready to swallow me whole.
_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein