He is not currently in therapy. I just don't know if I can cope indefinately with this duality in our relationship. It is like with one hand he beckons me to come closer and with the other hand he holds me at arm's length like a police officer signaling for someone to stop where they are. Withdrawal from a close relationship just hurts. It feels emotionally abusive. Makes me feel like I have to jump through hoops for his love and sometimes I'm good enough and sometimes I'm not. It just isn't healthy and I don't know if there is anything I can to. I either have to suck it up or consider ending the relationship. And that would be really hard because I love him.
Yes, I did this. As a CSA/ emtional abuse victim I didn't feel like I was worthy of loving relationships and I had serious trust issues. So I pushed away like he does now to test my wife. If she went away, then I was right. She didn't love me and she couldn't be trusted. If she stayed then she was clearly not seeing the real me, the discpicable person who is unworthy of a loving relationship. Time to push away some more. Either way the partner always looses: this is a test you will always fail. Even if you win, you loose because this push/pull will go round and round like a carnival ride with no attendant.
There is only one thing you can do: demand a healthy relationship. Tell him it is not OK to do this anymore and tell him you know it will never stop unless he seeks counseling. How do you know this? Only because evey single partner on this forum has asked the same question 1,000 times and the answer always comes back the same. Two words: BOUNDARIES for you / THERAPY for him.
C2 he needs to choose because it isn't fair to be treated this way. You put a lot of time into this relationship and no one wants to cause a relationship to fail. But if he does this for years on end (and he will if you tolerate it) it will fail anyways. Now is the time to make your demands. Beat the Christmas rush! He can seek therapy and you will support that effort with forgiveness and accaptance OR he can go round and round on his emotional roller-coaster alone. You gotta to make a stand for you. If he's ready to help himself. Fantastic. We're here waiting with open arms. If not... well that's a choice he'll have to live with -not you. Life is too short to waste on maniacs. Except me...turns out I was pretty worth it. Who knew?