Hi, I'm 55 in the USA and have kept my secret for 42 years, just told my therapist last week and am overwhelmed by feelings of anger and selfhatred. I was 13 and partied regularly with boys my own age in the neighborhood. An older guy in the neighborhood, Tim would buy us beer and share his pot with us. He was 21 and we all looked up to him and liked him because he supplied us. One night we were at Tim's house smoking dope and everyone else went home. I stayed and we kept smoking dope. I was taking hits off this big bong and the next think I remember I was sucking his dick. I stumbled home and I remember sitting on my couch telling myself this didnt happen. I never went back to Tim's house again and withdrew from all my friends and became a loner. Never had friends again all through high school and college and adulthood. never would let anyone be close to me. I drank and smoked dope all the time to kill the feelings of anger, selfhatred and fear. I was afraid I was gay. The only relationships I let myself have were with girls who would let me have sex with them, and those werent really relationships, just sex. i used them to prove I was staright. i got masrried but never let my wife get very close to me. Now my marriage is about over and Im finally dealing with this shit. I'm not using drugs or alcohol anymore to kill the seelings and I'm pretty fucvked up right now. My therapist says it will get worse before it gets better. i hope so cause it sure sucks now.
"But now old friends are acting strange,
they shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day
....it's life's illusions I recall, I really don't know life at all. "Joni Mitchell