Thank you for all of your responses,
Yes I should see a therapist, I am thinking about getting a second job so that I can pay for it. I live in a college town and heard about some affordable therapy through the school, so I will be looking onto that as well.
I also have an amazing Mom who watched me struggle for 15 years with my CSA she knows everything that is going on and I call her a lot and say "MOM how did you do this? HOw did you live with me when I was like this? Help!" she loves my husband and understands the effects of CSA, and has been an awesome support.
So now for the ugly, Yeah I'm mad, I'm furious. I wrote a poem the other day about feeling like a volcano. Some days I want to pull all the dishes out of my cupboards and smash them. I want to "hulk smash" my furniture, and scream like 2 year old. But I don't. I just wait until he leaves and play my guitar and yell lyrics at the walls. Because although I'm hurt and frustrated with my husband, I'm not angry with him. I'm angry with is parents for being so blind to their child's suffering, I'm angry at the neighbor girl who took advantage of him when he was only 12. I'm angry at his first girlfriend who emotionally abused him and chased him around the house with a knife. And most of all I'm angry at the man who raped him when he was a little boy.
After I found out that the abuse was so much worse than I had imagined, it was just last week, I was so angry I couldn't sleep. I just lied in bed and thought about what I would do this guy if I could get my hands on him. It was horrible stuff that I would never really do but I was just so furious. I wrote a letter for myself about what I would do to this monster so that all that ugly rage could go live on that paper and get out of me. It helped a little. I'm also mad because I fought my war with the abuse demon. I got it off my back and thought it was out of my life, and now here it is again laughing at me. Only this time I'm not afraid, but alas this time it also isn't my war.
On a lighter note,
Yes my husband wants to have sex (although a lot less often since all this abuse stuff has started coming to the surface).
However, a lot of the time he is a distant lover and I feel like sex is something he just wants to get done. Earlier In our relationship I kept encouraging him to slow down and just enjoy the ride. But back then I didn't realize that the way he is in the bedroom is probably due to CSA and not the he is just in a rush. DUH! You would think I would still remember what it was like for me back then. I still have a lot to learn I guess.
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Everything comes from within