Howdy my brothers,Thank you for these thoughtful replies. Since I have been in therapy for several years and have dealt with many of these issues, please let me add my two cents (or deux centimes pour mes amis francais).
I also was told by my abusers that since I was aroused by them that I must be gay and that it's natural to do these things with them. However, I also had many heterosexual desires from before and after the abuse that told me I also straight. Due to my abuse, I was totally unable to have a healthy relationship or even talk to girls in high school. It didn't help that I was a total dork and vocational electronics shop guy in high school either.
After I left high school and joined the military, I thought that I left behind everything from my CSA to my awful home life that was drug and alcohol filled since I can remember. Thankfully, I avoided that trap but pray for my brothers who succomb to self-medication and hope they can sober up and enjoy at least part of their lives. However, the ssa was there throughout my military career along with my inability to communicate and date women.
After the military, I met a few girls but thanks to my past, I sabotaged every hetero relationship I entered into. I also met a few guys for sex but never wanted to have any relationship with them, just nsa hook-ups.
While I never hated gay men, I definitely had some animosity towards them due to not dealing with my csa and I blamed them for my situation instead of my parents for not protecting me and the guys and girls who abused me sexually as a child and teen. Yes, there were several and my story tells more than these few paragraphs.
Thankfully, I was able to find a great woman who has stuck by me as I finally addressed all of my abuse from the past. Granted we did separate twice and almost divorced but it was finally at that point I sought the help of a therapist to deal with all of this bovine excrement.
She not only helped me but the both of us in couple's sessions, too. My therapist not only saved our marriage but also me from self-destructing on many levels. Thank God for finding her since I have read and talked to many of my CSA brothers that a good therapist is sometimes very hard to find.
Now, after decades, I am totally okay with the fact that I will always have SSA and be aroused thinking about oral sex with men just as I do with women. I have gay friends, had two lesbians perform at our wedding (get your mind out of the gutter...they sang and played the guitar ;), go to my wife's UU church which is chock full of gays/lesbians and could care less if someone's gay or straight. While I supported DADT, I still proudly serve side by side with and trust my gay and lesbian airmen to have my back. Well, maybe not every gay guy. Just kidding.
Even before I sought help for my CSA, I was always okay serving with gay men in the Navy but never told them my background. Maybe because I knew what they did and so there was no mystery to their homosexual activity. Looking back, I am proud that even though I was raped and horribly abused by older gay men, I was still okay hanging out with gay sailors and can't tell you how many times I took a shower in open bays with gay men during my military career. Yes, I checked them out and no, I didn't get an erection.
Of course, I love all of my gay and straight brothers here on MS and would hug you if I ever get the chance to meet you in person.
As I always say, I am about 85-90% and 10-15% bi. Obviously, due to my marriage, I am unable to act on any homosexual desires but probably would if my wife gave me the okay or when she's ready, I would like to have a MFM with a bi-male. I love my family and my wife and could never see myself having a gay relationship but am very tolerant of gays, lesbians and even polyamory. Not everyone's made for MF and I now understand that.
Take care and hope my words add to the discussion and are seen as positive and affirming since that's my intention.
Heal well and have a great week.
P.S. I also thank God that I have such a positive outlook given all that happened to me and that I don't take any drugs or drink too much alcohol.
Edited by westsidej (08/07/12 06:57 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar & additions
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.