seikei -

yes, i have had that very confusing and disgusting - and at the same time, arousing reaction. quite a few others here have also experienced that. you can find references in the Sexual Identity Issues forum to similar issues - and there is often mention of SSA (same sex attraction) that many feel is caused by abuse of a male by a male. below are links to 2 threads that i remember on the topic (because i posted in them!) hope this is a good start to realizing you are not a unique freak - and that you are not alone in this!

Lee

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2755#Post382755

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=405041#Post405041
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"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"