seikei -

yes, i have had that very confusing and disgusting - and at the same time, arousing reaction. quite a few others here have also experienced that. you can find references in the Sexual Identity Issues forum to similar issues - and there is often mention of SSA (same sex attraction) that many feel is caused by abuse of a male by a male. below are links to 2 threads that i remember on the topic (because i posted in them!) hope this is a good start to realizing you are not a unique freak - and that you are not alone in this!

A man talking sense to himself is no madder than a man talking nonsense to not himself.
Or just as mad.
So there you are.
Stark raving sane.
- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead