seikei -

yes, i have had that very confusing and disgusting - and at the same time, arousing reaction. quite a few others here have also experienced that. you can find references in the Sexual Identity Issues forum to similar issues - and there is often mention of SSA (same sex attraction) that many feel is caused by abuse of a male by a male. below are links to 2 threads that i remember on the topic (because i posted in them!) hope this is a good start to realizing you are not a unique freak - and that you are not alone in this!

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho