MarkK, I'm not sure I understand, you're still in choir and praise teams? But you are trying to free yourself from religion and come closer to God? I think I have an idea of what you mean, but I don't want to assume anything.
bodyguard, I think I have internalized homophobia, and it's very confusing. I by no means think being gay is wrong, but for some reason it's difficult for me to be truly proud and comfortable with myself. It's not like I feel wrong or bad for being gay, it just makes me socially awkward because I don't feel comfortable. And what's more confusing is I feel like I'm both a girl and a boy mentally, I've been reluctant to really say that to anyone because I've never heard of that being something real, like I hear of transgender but not someone who's both. Idk all of this confusion makes me awkward and uncomfortable around people, I'm always wondering what they would think of me. Especially my dad, I always wonder how he would react if he saw me dress androgynous. And of course, I was definitely taught shame, and it only made it worse that I was being abused as well, as it made me extremely shameful. I remember being in catholic school where they had a homosexuality seminar on why it was wrong and all the while I was thinking what would they think of me if they knew what was going on at home, I must be so sick. It was horrible...
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein