I don't really know how to start, but here goes....I had always been a momma's boy from as early as I can remember. My "Mom" would always fight my battles for me, wether in the neighbor hood, or at school. I grew up in a small town in upstate NY, and when I turned 3 we moved to a different small town. My dad sold insurance, and stayed with it till he and mom started to have fights.
Unbeknownst to me they were borderline alcoholics before I was born, and the fights got to a point where both me and my brother would rather stay out of the house than in. I couldn't be outside for too long since I wasn't very old.
My parents bought a new house in the same neighbor hood my brother had a friend in, so we moved. I was around 11 years old then...a new neighbor hood, and me trying to make new friends was next to impossible, being very shy. After about a year, with me not making new friends, just staying home most of the time, my brother brought me over to his friends house one day and they introduced me to his friends little brother. He was one year younger than me, and we became fast friends. ...then he introduced me to an older boy up the street...a 15 year old boy, that was already molesting him and an even younger child than my "new" friend.
As I think back, I remember being on the high honor roll in 6th grade, and just about the time this S.O.B started molesting me, my grades dropped to almost failing, and I started to drink and got into drugs.
I lost all interest in everything that I loved to do, was terrified some one would find out what was going on with this older boy. I started not to care about everyone and everything around me. I was told it's what all boys do, but had to keep it a secret.
My parents seperated about the same time, and I was convinced I was the reason for it, so I didn't dare tell them what was going on. this lasted around 2-3 years, till I got up the courage to tell my mother. She said nothing, but she knew there was something going on over there. Nothing else was said about it, I thought she would do something to stop it. I was wrong.
When she started drinking more, the verbal abuse started...escalated to a point I couldn't stand anymore, and started to leave..stay out all night . I got into trouble, and the police brought me home...she kept telling them to take me away and put me in jail, that she didn't want me anymore. I was 14 at the time. The SA lasted until I was 17. The verbal abuse from my mother continued until I had enough at 19, I joined the service. I was finally free after 5 years of SA from him, and 7 years of VA from her. Or so I thought. I went through boot camp, and loved it. I didnt get what the recruiter had promised me I would get..(SURPRISE)..was getting home sick, and went a.w.o.l. right before I was to leave bootcamp.
I hitch hiked all through 2 states until I landed in my home state. I was feeling pretty good about myself, was on my own without a care in the world, then it happened. something that would kill me inside. I was picked up by this man, he didnt seem right to me, but I was tired of walking, so I got into his car. it was not filthy but didnt feel right. something in my head was telling me to get out, but I wanted to ride instead of walk.
He drove for a few miles then stopped at a rest area,, that had a bar. We went in and he had a few beers, buying me one, then me buying one. I was feeling better about everything. We left there, and after a few minutes on the road, he said he had to stop to see something. I dont remember how we got to where we were, but he stopped the car, told me to roll down the window and look at someting. I did. When I turned my head to face forward again, he had a pistol less than 6 incehes from my face, and pulled the trigger. I jumped, it was so loud, scared the liven shit out of me. I thought he was going to kill me, then he put the pistol into his left hand and asked me..........have I ever had a penis shoved up my ass........I couldnt believe what I had heard...he repeated it...I didn't know what to say.... I was told to pull my pants and underwear down, i was terrified...I thought he was going to kill me, then I thought of the two people he talked with and knew him at the bar. I was so scared, I thought they were going to show up, and I was going to be raped by all of them, then murdered.
I started to cry...I was only 20 years old, weighed 125 lb., and small. I looked like a 14-15 year old. I was going to die in the middle of nowhere. I did exactly what he told me to do, and I don't remember what happened right after, except him telling me to get out...we were at the end of a sandy road, not where he assualted me. I got out, he told me to start walking away from the car, and I thought this is were I die, I started walking, and when I turned around his car was gone.
I've been living this nightmare over and over in my mind for nearly 36 years. Coupled with my brother torturing me-bullying-non stop since I was able to remember. Unmerciful beatings by my father with the belt or yardstick.I"ve been abused and degraded most of my childhood, and no one stopped it. I've been through so much, and feel that altho it could have been stopped no one gave a damn. I'm a very caring individual, and give just about all I can to anyone that asks, but get nothing back from them. I feel when they've gotten all they want from me, I get tossed aside like trash. I've tried therapy for 2 months. Got into some issues, but couldn't afford to continue. So here I am.
I have since told 1 member of my family. I doon't trust anyone anymore.
I've been registered for a week, and finally got the courage to write this, and if I don't submit it now, I'll never do it. Sorry it's so long., and disjointed thoughts. I think I just need to get it out, then get it into order later.