I am new here, and glad to have found you guys. Pissed that it took me thirty-something years to figure out what the fuck has been going on with me, but glad to be here. I am 40 years old and still don't know all that happened to me. I have a few memories of being sexually abused by a teenager that lived across the street. I kept those memories fully encapsulated somewhere in my psyche until high-school, but had a lot of denial about it and never told anyone until my early 20s.
I've talked about in therapy groups some, but never in a very connected way. And I've seen therapists and joined cults and spent half a year in India and on and on. I worked with teenagers in treatment for behavioral health, got a Masters in Social Work, worked with foster kids, worked with adults in the public mental health system, and was executive director of a small mental health advocacy nonprofit.
I've known for a long time that I have psychic problems, and I've looked under every rock trying to get better, except for the rock that marks the place where I was raped as a child (repeatedly,I think?) and lived in a chaotic and violent home that broke up when I was 12, then after several moves with my mom mom, I was sent 800 miles away to boarding school. It might bother some people, but I can take it. I guess I told myself it didn;t matter, and I believed myself because I feel that I don't matter as much as most people.
I have had periods of healing along the way, where I have established some healing and trusting relationships, but in the end I feel an overwhelming sense of shame and don't believe that they would care for me, so I just disappear.
Any, to make this long story a little shorter, I basically had a complete and total breakdown around the time my first some was born 2 years ago. I could not handle the distress I felt at my job, and the utter paralysis that I can't even describe. I quit, and basically lit myself on fire with shame, lost all self confidence, and went into a deep depression. Worst ever. Wanted to die. Made it through that with my marriage a wreck, Sandusky story totally blew me up, was going to lose my wife, and then, when the trial was being covered, and especially after the verdict, all the talk about the victims just broke something loose inside of me and I have never been the same.
The good news is I am finally beginning the understand what the fuck has been going on with me. The bad news is that I am finally beginning to understand what the fuck has been going on with me. I just started really looking into aftermath of complex traumatic stress, and suddenly the last thirty something years of my life makes sense.
I was reading on the SAMHSA website about trauma informed care, and it was like "it's time to use approaches to care that recognize the role childhood trauma plays in one's mental health." And I said to my wife, "now there's an idea whose time has come!" What the fuck? Just now they are getting the word out? I feel like such a fool for not recognizing this in myself, and so let down by all the people who have tried to help me.
But the SAMHSA site also said that it is time to change the paradigm from one that asks "what's wrong with you" to one that asks"what happened to you." That really struck me in a powerful way, and I had a good long cry.
I am getting good therapy, but I don't have a lot of support, and I am basically on probation with both my wife and my new job.
I have a lot of childhood amnesia. I can't remember 5th and 6th grade, and a lot of other shit. I guess I never really wanted to know. But now I feel like I have to know.
I don't know how old I was when the abuse started, but I know that I did not know anything about ejaculation. I have a very clear memory about that. And a partial memory of being raped. I am terrified to think of what else is hidden away somewhere in my mind.
If you have made it all the way to this sentence, I appreciate you taking the time.