Yes I understand what you saying "pretending nothing happened can't aide your health". But I have punished my mother as well over the past 35 years, I have been mean to her in many ways.

When I Say "I don't want to hate her anymore" I am trying to say "I want to be happy, I want to heal and most of all I don't have any hard feelings, because if I still hate someone, then I am not healed yet". I am 46, I have spent most of my life hating someone, my wife who had nothing to do with had happened to me has been my scape goat and that is so unfair. This is why I don't want to hate anymore.

I know that in order to heal completely I have to go through some more painful memories and I am willing to take the bull by the horns.

I thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, honestly this feeling of not beeing alone in this journey is really priceless.

best

boy_in_denial (slowly_but_putting_denial_behind)