I thought I needed to take a break from dealing with it all. My wife said I should. My therapist said so too. What do they know about this? I couldn't stand being out of the chat and the boards. I found myself sneaking in while wife wasn't looking. Why? I don't understand. Is it the obsessive compulsive? The PTSD? The depression? Is there any reason? Why do I feel better when I talk with others about their abuse, when I know I can't do anything to help. I feel so helpless. How can I think I can get better here or anywhere when I can't figure this out. I thought I was gonna puke last night. I was out for a long long bike ride. All I could think of was my idiot perp wandering around my hometown, looking for more kids. Thought of my babysitter's son, how arrogant and criminal he is and was. I want to find them, confront them, tell them I remember what they did, tell them they were wrong to do what they did. I want to scare the living shit out of them like they did to me. I really felt like I was going to puke. Then I came home, came in here. Hands and arms, face especially lips were completely numb. The fingers were typing, but i couldn't feel the keys under the finger tips. What is up with that? Talking to others in here actually made the feeling come back in my body. I don't understand how or why or even if that's why. I'm starting to overwork again, went in early, left late. Filled my day with menial tasks, doing for others, what they should be able to do for themselves. "Walk all over me" is what that says to me. Again. Over and over. Why? "Pray" says my therapist, "for your healing, for your family, your loved ones, your chat friends", "pray the rosary when those thoughts of abuse and sex and everything else come into your head" Again I ask, why? I was in Church praying to God and Jesus when my abuse started. Back then I just prayed to God because I loved him. I didn't want anything from God but His love, and for him to know that I loved him. And then the abuse began. Was God not listening? Is there a God? Does he not listen to little kids of 8 years old? Couldn't he see the "priests" hands in my pants? Didn't he care? Could he not have done something? I don't think I'm asking for a major miracle here. Just a little one. Mustard seed sized would do. Thanks for listening.
It is better to be Dragon Master than Dragon Slayer. Some Dragons are meant to be mastered, others meant to be slain. Odin, Great Spirit, God, grant me the wisdom to know the difference. "May the Valar guide and bless you on your path under the sky"