I am sitting here surrounded by family...couples. Although they are mostly unhappy couples. And I'm all alone. No matter who I am with or where I am, I'm always alone...I wonder if they are alone too. I wonder if its all just a performance. They are as two faced and deceptive and delusional as me.
They think I'm perfect,a good guy. Super-educated, one time, successful, the pride of my family. Maybe he's a little shy. Maybe he's a little sad, awkward with women...not as out-going and the life of the party as his brothers and father. They don't know I used to shoot heroin. I kept myself fat most of my life so I wouldn't have to date. I have ED. I have constant anxiety. I trust no one. I binge drink. I was/am addicted to porn. They don't know I have attempted suicide. They don't know I think of my life as a constant confusing miserable struggle. I smile. I'm strong. I'm dependable. Smart. Fair. Kind. You can rely on me. You can count on me. Because I am not a person. I have no feelings or wants. Everyone in the world is more important than me. I'm a broken toy.(love that imagery) I owe God. If I don't sacrifice everything I can for someone else's happiness I am a bad person.I live with constant guilt. I'm subservient to everyone and everything and I don't even realize it till I am suffering from the weight of it all. I'm the 1st person to call when you're in trouble and the last person to ever worry about.
I wonder if anyone will really ever know and love me...