Max, That's absolutely awful. You know, one thing I've learned from therapy is that everyone who was exposed to sexual abuse is profoundly affected by it. It may not have been you who was raped, but you were clearly traumatized by sexual abuse, as well as guilt and who knows what all else. It's confusing as hell to be in a situation like you were. And it's a common thing to write-down the bad things that happen to us, while focusing our sympathy on those who seem to deserve it more nearby. That's a way to redefine what happened to us, to remove ourselves from the victim list. But it's also an awful trick to pull on ourselves, because it doesn't let us deal honestly and fully with the pain that we're living with. The fact is that you were traumatized, and you clearly have symptoms of PTSD. So do I. I recommend therapy and medication, if your doctor thinks it a good idea.

On a related note, I actually realized that I was a nervous eater after I started taking anti-anxiety meds. It was strange. I just didn't feel hungry. And that's when I learned that I interpreted anxiety as "hunger." Which is why I ate to the point of feeling completely stuffed. I was eating to fill a hole and a need inside!

Good luck to you, Max. Don't sort your way through this alone. Get professional help, and stay in touch with this group. You can heal here, no doubt about it. And you'll find that things that haunt you can lose power when written down here, and especially as people start to respond.

Thanks for writing.