I need some major support right now. I have always done things on my own, but I can no longer go at this by myself. The isolation and the feelings have led to contemplate suicide more than I would have liked to over the winter. These feelings are too much to bear on my own.
I have been fighting my sexuality for the last 4 years. I have tried everything to reason away my feelings. From sexualizing my self esteem issues, labeling it obsessive compulsive thinking, labeling myself a sex addict moving on to more extreme sexual stuff. I have tried to deny my sexuality in every way shape and form. I have refused to be open about it in therapy. I can't do it anymore, I just can't. I am tired, strung out, and at the end of my rope.
I know deep down I am gay, I am attracted to men sexually. And at first, I thought I was recreating the sexual abuse in my head, but time has passed and my sexual thoughts are more integrative and indicative of an emerging sexuality than of sexual abuse.
I am not emotionally attracted to men, but I have never given myself the chance. I have heard that many men still partly repressing their sexuality will maintain this position until they accept themselves completely. Then there is the confusion between sex and intimacy that the abuse has created.
I have tried to be in relationships with women, and I feel anxious and nervous when it comes to sex. It doesn't feel smooth and there is no flow. It feels forced when it should be relaxing. It doesn't feel right, and even though physically it feels pleasurable there is a mental disconnect. I am not really there. Female genitals just don't do it for me. I mean, I know they are a natural part of a woman's body but they are not appealing sexually.
I know that labels can be limiting, but I just feel like I am living a lie. And I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired, and exhausted. It has been 5 years of struggle and complete destruction of self. I want out of this now. All of these issues with sexuality and sexual abuse have been fucked up for so long.
My family has been really supportive, and they accept me for who I am and will love me unconditionally. I am ready to do the same now. I am not sure what my life will look like, what friends I will have, who will condemn me. I fear the worst. All of my life I have wanted to fit in. I have struggled and struggled, and now I have to dig real deep to find the strength and courage to stand on my own two feet and be me for me for the first time ever. I am scared as hell. My life is changing like never before.
I don't know that the next step is, and I really just need some guidance from this community. I want to feel good about myself, and I am tired of always fighting my way through my life. I really need some support.
I am the warrior.