I can certainly understand also, and am rather the flip side. I always thought of myself as gay, and throughout my adulthood only dated or had relationships with men although I contemplated at least one relationship with a woman...I didn't speak of it to her.
I still list myself as "gay" in a way, but in the last years as I've worked through my issues, memories and feelings, I realize my sexual ambivalence towards women and preference for men wasn't based on attraction as much as anxiety and fear of women. I was first abused by a female, although the majority took places from males.
Now, I am really asexual in that I certaily have interest in sex and lean towards male overtly, my deeper emotional feelings extend towards women and I imagine a relationship with one, including the physical. There's a woman I've met, she's wonderful, willing...I don't want to let her down. I have feelings for her, but I don't know if I could go through with sex. I mean I probably could but I have a history of distancing myself from a partner as soon as we have sex.
Sex for me reminds me of "back then" if I really know the person, as I did the family members who assaulted me. She and I might have a relationship without sex, but I would still crave it, just...its totally leaves me confused and not knowing what to do!
The thing is, the exploration of sexuality....don't go to porn. It is not representative of real gay life. Its just sex. Its not affection or relationships, or the affection, friendship and love that can develop. That's very different, and like I mentioned about me, I have a tendency to separate sex from affection as an after-effect.
Like the woman I mentioned, we befriended each other otherwise, not thinking about relationships or sex or anything like that, just mutual friendship. It developed into more. Honestly, I no longer think of myself as gay or straight or bisexual, but rather as someone looking for relief from those labels and finding someone I can be with who wants to be with me.
Not having sex or desiring it with someone, whatever gender they are may not be about sexuality at all, but can be directly related to the abuse received previously: trust, control, anxiety issues. You said that about anxiety, and I totally feel you, obsessive thoughts sometimes exhaust me to where I can't do anything or I feel despair because I am SO tired of them, and I wish they would stop.
In the end, its about having someone who accepts you for all your idiosyncrasies and differences, which they may/will also have, though it might not be about sex or sexuality, even if they are the same gender. Being able to reach the point where you are open enough to try and allow for a connection with someone which isn't sex primary or as the goal to attain. I think its important to make it about finding the basis of your fears with a good and understanding therapist, working through them and looking for someone who just wants to be with you and see where it goes from there, not about sex.
I don't know where I am anymore on the gender spectrum, let alone the sexuality one, but I hope you can also somehow accept the feelings you have as being natural to you. I don't feel like you are "over it", but rather could spend more time talking about it with those who may have previously or do feel similarly. Maybe that can help you work through it. Its really helping me.
Edited by theredhairedcrow (06/24/12 10:28 AM)