Many have said no one truly understands what it is like to live with the secret, the shame of abuse, it eats at our core until we heal. But to heal requires support. Many around us tell us they are compassionate human beings, feel sad when someone is hurting--but as soon as they have to face someone in this situation the true character shows. Actions of others are more important than empty words.
I too have been there, I acted out, lost time and these various states of awareness nearly destroyed me--scared not knowing why or how I got somewhere, but as I heal the altered states (I do not consider the child a different person anymore--when I was burying the abuse I disowned that part of me, and whatever that part of me did was not me.) But when you dissociate and these other parts of us take over, life can be hell. I now understand the shame, guilt, denial, pretending it never happened fragmented me--some have worked to understand, others have done little to support. I know how you feel with your children--probably did many things for them, but they only want to condemn you for what you did without ever trying to understand the abuse. I guess at times I understand, I tried to deny the abuse, could not accept maybe everyone feels this way. I find it most troubling when adults tell the children the abuse is hogwash, the abuse does not cause issues to the victim, dissociation is not real, the sense of shame and guilt get over it--what can you expect from a child. but one day they will realize what has been done to you, the life they lost without you and their failure to reflect on the life you gave them. It will be a loss for everyone. But you must heal and as difficult as it is, the children need to reflect on themselves and look at the entire past--your abuse was part of you.
I wish you well on your healing journey. I can tell you it is a hard road but as you heal you will feel the rewards--as you are seeing with a beautiful new woman with a heart of compassion and love. The world would be a better place with more people who open their hearts to understand and show compassion. I know in my case the tears, the sacrifices, the burdens of someone with a physical illness was overwhelming. But abuse carries far less compassion or desire to understand.
Edited by KMCINVA (06/16/12 12:14 PM)