I absolutely relate to what your asking, but I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that for me, ---- and maybe for other survivers of female sa it is not possible, and the only way to afford yourself a measure of peace is rid yourself that desire for an intimate relationship and concentrate on the rest of life.

I have no idea what "dating" means either. I've been out for drinks, coffee, lunch, concerts or whatever with lots of female friends alone, but nothing ever happens, whether or not I want it to, and sinse it's the man who has to make the first move, and I have no idea what that even means, there really is no way forward other than to give up the desire. I've tried people's advice, even tried a dating site (a joke as after a year I had zeor communications from anyone), but nothing seemed to actually work, and I realized that I was just hurting myself with this desire.

One thing I'm beginning to realize is just how broken my s/xuality is. I hate my own physical reactions, and am uncomfortable even with the word, or with being physically close to someone. With all my friends who found successful relationships though there was a natural course of things, a mutual communication of signals and desires, and something that went beyond friendship.

Sinse however I have neither the ability to communicate this to someone else, or believe or understand that they would communicate it to me, I'm pretty much sunk, like a deaf person stuck in a world where everyone talks and nobody writes or does sign language.

Of course, were I a woman this wouldn't be a problem, sinse men are always the ones expected to speak up, be blatant, put their feelings on the line, pick up none verbal mysterious signals etc. Unless however I meet a very unusual woman who happens to A, want to be closer to me (something I'm still not certain has ever happened), and B, can actually communicate that planely enough for my damaged receptors to understand, nothing will happen.

So, relationships go in the same box with walking on the moon or winning the lottery. Nice if it ever happened, but something I can do nothing practical about. I might as well concentrate on creativity, friendship, and the things i can! change.

i freely admit this is not an easy path, and I do not always succeed at blotting out that desire even though it's a path I've followed for the last three years, however I do offer it as an option, albeit probably not one you want to hear, sinse the alternative is continual, futile and repeated pain.

whatever you decide to do, I really hope you can feel better about yourself. i know how hard that particular desire can be.

Luke.


Edited by dark empathy (06/11/12 01:56 PM)