The above post was quite hard to write, so i appreciate that someone has read it. The medical castration option isn't a serious one, sinse I'm a tenor and major singing is a huge part of my life, and I know that would affect my voice, so I can't do that.
Sterility however doesn't strike me as so bad, I really don't want children, and sinse I've had to struggle with giving up the desire for a relationship it's not like it would cause problems with other people.
I just wish I could be rid of s/x, it's caused me nothing but pain, and the occasional solitary physical pleasure, and I'd be better off without it in my life.
Everytime I come into contact with anything to do with it, I feel a range of emotions going from disgust, to absolute terror, and I hate! my own physical reactions.
As I said, if I had someone to build pleasant associations with, and could learn to enjoy it as others do, maybe this would change, but sinse I have never and likely will never have that other person, it's just always a bad thing that I need to stay in control of just to avoid the nightmares and fear reactions.
I hate! s/x!
I have no idea how to deal with this at all. I've been in recovery for 5 years, and while the self isteme business is better, I've got no where with this particular set ot fears at all, and have no idea how to even start, and no, I don't have a therapist before anyone suggests talking to them, I'm too busy at the moment for one, and even when I did, talking to them about this didn't help in the least, I know! where this fear comes from and what it means, I just don't know how to deal with it, indeed the fact that I can write about it is an improvement in itself over where I was five years ago, not that it means much sinse it's still there.
Oh well, at least I'm getting older so can look forward to a reduction in my libido, which should help with at least part of the problem.