LAst night I met up with a friend of mine to do what we do every few weeks or so, listen to random music for a bit, have weerd discussions, and eventually go out to a decent restaurant for a drink and some grub.
After trying a few places, said restaurant proved to be a really amazing mexican, ---- as it turned out a very good mexican I knew when i did my degree that I thought was closed, but has reopened with a different name.
Over the course of the evening I got to talking to the waitress, indeed she started off by talking to my guide dog then i chatted to her about the fact that this looked suspiciously like the mexican I knew, and we just had general conversation sinse it was a relatively relaxed environment.
it transpired she was a biologist just finishing her degree and going on to post graduate research, but (like virtually eveyone who finishes a degree in Britain now), had to get the job as a waitress to keep stuff going.
we had quite an animated conversation over the evening (not exactly harmed by the sangrea I was drinking), about various topics, me just being friendly and relaxed as I would with someone, letting my people skills take over.
I became aware half way through the evening that I was becoming interested in this girl. not exactly falling for her, I hadn't known her anything like long enough (it takes far longer for me), but just getting on the tinge of being interested, and being aware that if I spent time with her my feelings might go beyond friendship. This doesn't exactly mean anything (in fact she had a boyfriend as became evident from the conversation), and I've pretty much decided to give up on the hole relationships thing anyway.
One fact I did find extremely interesting though, is that my friend didn't notice!
he has had a good many relationships, ranging from a full on destructive emotional attachment, to casual, pleasant affairs with friends. i sometimes find it hard not to be jealous of him, sinse a few months ago he broke up with his current gf because (as I could see myself), she was far more serious about wanting a commited relationship to him than he was about her, ---- and only two months after this breakup he's met someone else.
I'm however succeeding largely in not being too jealous, after all I've got a lot of advantages he doesn't have (not the least I know when to stop drinking alcohol, so who had the hang over this morning!),
One fact I found interesting though was that this chap, quite experienced as far as relationships go by all accounts, absolutely, totally and completely didn't notice that I was becoming interested in this particular girl, ---- mild as that interest was.
One problem I've always had with relationships, is that good old sterriotype that the man! is supposed to be the forward one, to ask a woman out.
i've been for coffee, to concerts, for extended periods of time alone with female friends, and 9 times out of 10 this has been just that, spending time with friends, indeed not too much different to what I was doing with my male friend last night. On the few occasions though that I have! been out with a girl who I was in any way becoming emotionally interested in being closer to than a friend, it's always absolutely stunned me that even if my head was nearly exploding with the desire to tell her how I felt, she never noticed, ---- indeed it was this attempt to communicate that desire to **** that landed me in recovery in the first place.
That's why I've always assumed nobody has ever been interested in being closer to me than a friend, sinse I'd think it would be bloody obvious. Heck, I! can tell when a person is sad, upset, shy or even slightly bothered, and at the points I've been really deeply in love I've been more than slightly! bothered.
i always assumed said girls noticed, but just didn't particularly care, or thought, ---- well, okay then.
However if my friend, a person with a great deal of relationship experience can't tell what I'm feeling, maybe it's just that nobody else can either.
I'm still not certain anyone has ever been interested in me that way, and I'm not going to hope that anyone will be in the future sinse that's a door that has got to stay shut even if I can't help my own feelings, but it has made me reassess those moements like when I was with **** and close to bursting from the utter pain.
indeed, on the two occasions before **** when I admitted to a girl how i felt, I did so chiefly to relieve my own feelings rather than because I expected anything to happen, and on those occasions the girl was ssurprised, having no idea previously.
Obviously though I was ascribing powers of perception to people they didn't have, and assuming that my interest would be much more obvious than it ever actually was, and I can absolve all the girls I've been interested in any motives of knowing my interest but being turned off or disgusted, ---- maybe they really just didn't know after all.
I suppose logically this could in theory mean that my parents have been right, and some girl or other has! been interested in me in the past and I haven't noticed, ---- but well, there's nothing I can do about that either, it's not as if there is a manual for how to tell these things, and it's not as if me being a man a girl will ever just come out and say it (got I hate society's expectations!of males!), and my usual emotional sense of people, though it's useful in many situations seems to be set utterly to the wrong frequency to pick that type of stuff up, ---- even if it exists at all, which I'm still not convinced of.
Confusing yes, but an interesting insite none the less, albeit that it still doesn't really change my resolution regarding the hole relationship issue.