Got my paper back from the Understanding and Treating Victims of Abuse. She gave me a B+ because I expressed opinions and didn't stick to the assignment. She's right, but I could not let being "taught" that return the perp to the family model be on of the foci of the semester without expressing my feelings about it. I also could not not speak about the under-addressed issues of violence against boys and men.

She and I had a long talk. She kept suggesting that I could rewrite the paper. I know if I cut the male survivor and opinions against the perp model she would up the grade.

Personally, I am satisfied with the B+. It satisfied my need to address some of the issues I had with the course although veering off and not covering extensively what was required in the paper.
I'm leaving it as is.

For the course I got an A-. I am perfectly fine with that.

The teacher did say she was impressed with my involvement and interest in MS. She also commented on the class I shanghaied by bringing up my experiences when I was mentoring LGBT youth in group homes. It just kind of happened and I ended up leading the class (blush.) She has offered to write me a reference letter for a masters (if I even consider that I am OUT OF MY MIND!) She also said that Hunter would probably love to have me in their program.

Although she may not like that I challenged some of the of the curriculum of the class, I think she genuinely likes me and appreciates what I have to say.

Obi (and others) have expressed interest in reading my term paper. Although I am a little embarrassed to share it, i am willing (I guess.) But I don't know how to post it. How do do that?

I took my final for the gender studies class. It went well but I haven't gotten a grade. Only problem was, quite by accident, I mistook a Lunesta for another medication I take in the AM (around noon.) My final was at 8 PM and I still had to teach arts and crafts to my addicts. When i realized I had taken the sleeping pill, I went in the bathroom and, yes, put my fingers down my throat to force me to vomit it out. Honest, honest, honest, guys, I was not trying to check out! Long story short, my throat is sore, my entire body aches, BUT I was able to teach arts and crafts and take the final.

This week is all about planning the party to celebrate Stanley and I getting married this past Sunday. After that I register for fall. I'll post about that at that time.

However, I spoke with my therapist "about all this."

as soon as the final was over, I proceeded to get plastered. You all know why. I know that the chances are very good that the school thing (even a masters --Oh, God, ug!!!!) is going to work out. I could not sabotage this semester and was waiting for the something to happen to mess everything up. I have to accept that something good could/may be/ is likely to be my reality (shit! I'm starting to cry.) And its bigger than I can imagine. Emotionally this is a mine field.

So, I am drinking heavily. I'm acting out. Anything to me that is "my" "normal". My t told me it was going to be hard because I am throwing in the face of everything I believe myself to be something that is so foreign, so out of my comfort zone, that the acting out, drinking, etc. will step up a notch or two. (or more. smile )

I know the summer will be -- let's say "interesting."

For everyone here who has traveled with me on this first semester back at school journey, i am so grateful for your support. My issue with school is not the academic work; its the emotional and psychological work that goes on concurrently with it.

I am still the disgusting piece of flesh with holes meant to be raped constantly. That is how I see myself, even though I know I am an ugly old cocksucker. My T says although it is where my "authentic" experience is right now, the fact I am trying to improve defies it. And it is going to fight me . It is.

So, guys, for those who care -- I love you. That is where I am at. It is my journey.

T