Quote:
I developed an aversion to female genitals. They simply repulsed me, and yet I continued to view heterosexual porn. I am still confused how something can be arousing and repulsive at the same time. Even now the thought can both arouse me and repulse me at the same time. That is really confusing.


When you view(ed) heterosexual porn, did you get aroused to the males in the videos? If female genitalia repulse you, were you focusing on the female (perhaps playing the male role to the sex act), or were you viewing the female perhaps giving oral sex to the man and putting yourself in the place of the man getting "head"?

If you are not doing either of these, can you look at a Lesbian video and become aroused? The arousal patterns of people are usually not just one sided (hetero or gay) but people have the capacity to become aroused to either gender.

Researchers/clinicians usually are in agreement that the "romantic" connection generally indicates the truer identity of orientation. So, if female genitalia turn you off, but your romantic attraction is towards females, your orientation is likely heterosexual.

There is another factor which male survivors often have. The re-creation of the abuse scenario affects some survivors. They either get involved in the victim role and re-enact the abuse dynamics (for example, the boy who is abused by the older male and then in adulthood, seeks out older partners as sort of force of habit, or in his mind, perhaps unconsciously, places himself in the more powerful position with an older man thus changing the dynamics of the earlier abuse.)

Another possibility is the "penis" factor. A child experiencing the confusing pleasurable encounter with a male's penis, focuses on that and seeks to revisit the powerful and arousing feeling. In non-abused boys, if the sexual development is not premature, he can discover his sexuality via more "normal" means such as masturbation in non-coercive methods and take his time with the new experiences.

For more info, you can check out my book, "Evicting the Perpetrator: a male survivor's guide to recovery from childhood sexual abuse". This goes into more detail than I can write here.

Or you can write to Joe Kort, Ph.D "Ask the Sex Doc"who has been writing on these issues of sexuality (though Joe hasn't posted any questions for a few months.)