I just need a place to put this all down. I have struggled with my sexual identity for 4 plus years. The thoughts I have regarding both sexes trouble me deeply. I have been reducing people to body parts for a long time. I really want to put an end to this.
I was exposed to pornography at a very young age. Magazines, videos, and language we all a part of the abuse. I have used pornography compulsively ever since, and masturbation as well. My fantasies as a kid growing up involved women. I entered a highly sexualized relationship at 15 and stayed with her for 6 years. During that span I got into drugs and continued to use porn heavily. The relationship was all about sex. I stuffed the abuse so deep down that even I forgot it was there. The bubble eventually burst wide open and I had to end the relationship or die trying.
I moved back in with my parents and began inner work. I remember lifting weights in the basement when the thought of two men being sexual with one another entered my mind. It was the first time I had any thoughts like this. I was distraught, went upstairs, and explained to my parents that it was a possibility I was gay. They were very supportive. The next two months were the worst of my young life. I couldn't be in public without comparing men and women. Asking myself if I was attracted to either or. The thoughts would not stop, and seemed automatic. I told my mom that I would take my own life if the thoughts didn't go away.
I explored the topic in therapy, but never really delving into it from an abuse perspective. I wasn't talking about the abuse much then. During this time, I developed an aversion to female genitals. They simply repulsed me, and yet I continued to view heterosexual porn. I am still confused how something can be arousing and repulsive at the same time. Even now the thought can both arouse me and repulse me at the same time. That is really confusing.
I entered yet another relationship. Only this time I was always anxious about sex with her. I also suffer from tremendous performance anxiety, and have always struggled with involuntary ejaculation. Add this to my growing disgust of female genitals and it was a disaster. I stayed with her and enjoyed moments of physical intimacy that were liberating, but the ongoing pressure and anxiety was going to kill me had I not ended it. Again, I continued to use hetero porn. I have viewed gay porn on occasion as well.
I am just so lost in this. My entire life, I have crushed on girls. I have had fantasies of women and have used hetero porn. And suddenly after revealing the details of the abuse everything I knew started to change. Is it possible that I repressed not only the sexual abuse, but my sexual orientation as well?
I know for sure that my brain is highly sexualized. There are aspects of both men and women that I find attractive. I just don't know which part is real and which part is conditioning. I am nervous to say this, but I really have to. Some times when I see a woman, I think of her vagina and I am repulsed. Other times I see a woman eating something unhealthy and wonder how it is affecting her intimate parts. I know that women are not their vaginas, but my mind gravitates toward that. I have no effing clue where all of this came from. It just developed into an obsession. I hate it, and I hate myself for it.
Thanks for listening.
I am the warrior.