i think i try hard to block memories and feelings about the female part.. i try to think about it as the "mild" part of what happened. i kind of tell myself at least females couldn't physically hurt me.

despite everything, i like women. it sounds like bullshit sometimes.. i'm ashamed to admit it but i just can't stop ending up doing stuff with men only to feel like shit after it happened.. or regretting doing it just when it's too late to stop it. i am grossed out by the idea of doing anything with men, still it happens. But women is a whole new issue.

i like them and i want them and not only sexually. i can just like them.. like how they look, how they smile, how they move, how they act and think... and some times it just happens, i like someone and start wishing i didnt have all this shit in my head and could just be a regular guy.

i'm living in latin america, i met a girl some months ago.. she's like.. a bit of air when you feel like drowning. she comes from such a perfect family, she likes me, she lives in a culture where girls dont have sex so easily. i like it.. sometimes, whatever was going on between us, felt like christian teenage flirting and like.. this is so new for me i never ever had anything you could consider "pure" in my life. she has no idea of how.. bad things could go..

anyway, i can't change what i am, i can't run away from it, ever. a couple of weeks ago she and i got a bit drunk at her friend's party and some little stuff happened, from that day she started pushing on something to happen. i think she wouldn't ever say it or ask for it but she's clearly trying.

here's the issue: whenever i have sex with a girl, i feel i'm abusing her. memories of the girls i was forced to abuse as a kid come, the whole thing becomes a living hell and i have to get away from them. i dont want this to happen. i dont feel like this only when the woman is a lot older than me, let's say 40ish or something, this girl just turned 18.. eventhough i know there's no future for us, i still want to have her close the longest possible.

4 or 5 days ago i started having new nightmares. they're about female part of my abuse. i wish i . i guess this is what this site is here for

------triggering-----

these are two types of women. i have to resist the urge to vomit so hard from here.. i dont feel like this when i think about the male part, it's so awkward

one is one of the girls who babysitted me. she's not nanny. i grew up in a closed cult. cult not evil by itself but lots of disturbed people in it made it evil, i want to say that.
she is 17 or so. i am 7ish. she had just finished doing whatever she was doing, helping me with my clothes, whatever. she's leaving the room where me and my dad are lying in bed. my dad calls her back and instructs her to "help" him. he's naked and.. doing stuff. he tells me to touch her down there he makes me take a close look there, "teaches" me how to do it

so hard to write this shit. i really want to do it.

the other women, gahh!!

they older i cant move its dark and im lying on my back thehy come t my face with their legs open i have to lick i tired i just elave my tongue sticking out really really wish it stops dont know how many they are realistically maybe just 2 but more than 1

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i really dont kmow wat i want from this post i forgot why i started it.

i want these mamories to go away they make me feel sick cant make it better