It has been more than a year since I posted here and I decided to return because I had been thinking about MS and just yesterday met a man interested in intimacy and it made me stop and think about my situation since my first WOR last March and all that has happened afterwards. I have been numbed and avoiding so much for many reasons most of all for feeling defeated and lost.

After what was an excellent experience at WOR I came home to a very angry therapist who I have not seen since Jan-Feb 2011. At the same time I was working full time and much more in my own job as a therapist at a non profit Catholic affiliated agency that placed so many demands on me for productivity over quality I found myself overwhelmed with work. I was eventually terminated with two other therapists facing similar demands. We all spoke up about what was happening and paid a price. I was the first to go last June. I am not the type to go along to get along which has a lot to do with doing the right thing.

My sadness was mixed with anger and a sense of relief. But I could not get anywhere with my own therapist who was largely unsympathetic or supportive and he refused to see me. I fought hard against any negative or toxic feelings and put all my training and years of therapy into play which surely did help me get through but I was in a very sad place. Writing about it opens those wounds but I have a steely resolve to get through in spite of present emotions.

I have acted with due diligence in my employment search with no results and only two interviews with one agency that yielded nothing. I have and had guilt for not reaching out to my brothers here and especially those from last March at the WOR. I did make some attempts without success. I also have limited internet and a different email address than what I gave at WOR.

It is no surprise that I came here today because I have not had any sexual or other intimacy in such a long time that I realize it still has an intimidating and at times scary affect. I am also wondering and searching for self understanding as to my point, my needs and what this even means? I can see the temptation of a critical inner voice but recognize the self sabotaging cruelty of internal criticism. But admit I am struggling in a number of ways.

I am on day two of not smoking with Chantix and am assessing my current situation, and recent coping. I began using alcohol and marijuana last fall in a limited recreational way with a new circle of people. Thankfully I pay attention to not abusing it and setting limits. However I am questioning whether it is a band aid for my own stuff. I had not used alcohol or pot for more than 13 years and might return to abstinence again. I am not going to use anything while on Chantix and have not 10 days into taking it.

If this post seems a bit wandering it has more to do with feeling overwhelmed in addition to ADHD; but I do feel a need to reconnect with MS for a number of reasons and it has everything to do with tapping into support because I see some potential for unknown unidentified risk if an opportunity for sexual intimacy presents itself. I am a strong survivor but I feel alone and have a need to reach out here...

I welcome any responses that might help me see what is obvious to others and blurred by me. I'll say thank you in advance for any feedback.
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When you stumble, make it part of the dance.