don't be so hard to yourself. You are very nice and sensitive guy, please try to calm yourself and to take some slow breathing.
It is easy to get lost in that emotional mine filed, try not to ketch every mine that is buried along your path.
You are not alone in all this Thebo. I know that is difficult sometimes, life is complicated and it is easy to lost focus. Can you do something that will calm you? Something like your art or some other thing?
I think that your story is more than inspiring. I've been thrilled when I've discovered this thread couple months ago. Put me to think about my dreams bringing questions would I dare to dream and even to try to fulfill some. Let say that your story gave me some additional strength.
Thank you for your honesty, willing to share and courage!
I'm sending you love and hug (((((Thebo))))