Welcome, Bewlayb1 -
I'm really sorry to hear of your problems. One thing I think you are correct about is not risking your health. Your partner following your wish to wear a condom - to me - would indicate the most fundamental respect. Stick to your guns on that one. If he will not, it begs a lot of questions. You may be hanging your health on his word. And maybe you trust him. And maybe he IS trustworthy. Then again he trusts you, yet you haven't disclosed the pills. Of course he probably didn't ask, but something tells me there isn't the level of candor yet in your relationship to "bet it all" on a promise. He knows you are very shaky and nervous. I don't know why he wouldn't respect a simple wish of yours that would obviously put you at ease. Something there seems to be missing - but I'm only getting it from a post....
In your entire post, there is not even an oblique mention of a therapist. This site is about shared experience, but I would certainly not expect anyone to give you much beyond that. Please - if that kind of professional guidance is available to you, use it. We are here for support and comfort and help in volleying thoughts.
In that spirit, I can share that I trembled every time I had sex with my abuser - my teeth would chatter. He'd tell me to relax and I know he felt me tremble all throughout. That wasn't good, but the issue wasn't my trembling, it was him. I sometimes still tremble and my teeth still chatter, but the situation is very different. My partner thinks it's sort of cute and I don't see it as being terribly significant beyond just anxious anticipation. So - in my case - I just see it as a personality/character quirk. Your situation may be more profound and significant, however.
I guess I'd close by urging you again to at least look into counseling options if you haven't already done so. I've been with a good therapist and his worth to my mental health was far beyond the money I paid him.
Unless otherwise stated, everything I post in the routine course of discussion represents my thoughts
as an individual fellow survivor, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the moderator team.