The timing is fuzzy. All I know is these three Movies really drove a nail into an early sense of who I may have been.

This post is sort of a follow-up to Robbie's post about "Don't you dare" the Mysterious Skin movie.
If you havent seen it you can't tell anyone to get "over it". You cant really understand if you haven't the scope. Its like only some kids can see the invisible Thestrals in Harry Potter. Only those who have known death.

For me, there was just a sense emerging of possibly who i was. But with the shame of being abused it just helped solidify that whatever I was feeling about my emerging sexuality, it was dark, it was twisted and I hoped against hope it could not possibly be me. It was NOT going to happen.

The Sergeant was a film about an army NCO who is attracted to one of his charges but is so repressed and internally homophobic that he pushes and rides the guy till there is the final conflict. After attempting to clumsily reveal his intentions and being rebuked the sergeant calmly walks off and shoots himself. Ya He was a great sergeant he had "Just one weakness". Pass the popcorn.

The Boys in the Band
was another movie about gay self loathing that honestly i really did not understand except for the gay is just about the worst thing to befall a guy. I was not one of those simpering guys, effette guys still make me uncomfortable. I just pushed it deeper. Rootbeer anyone?

I guess the clincher was watching "Slapshot" the greatest hockey movie of them all. Any Canadian kid at the time was just about required to see it. My dad was a hockey coach, both my older brothers all-stars. Me,I hated it. But i did it anyway then quit. Thankfully, Later I found sports I really loved and excelled at. I think my dad was relieved.
TRIGGER WARNINGIn the movie all it all goes to shit when the owner pulls funding from the hockey team. He is so exasperated the only thing he can say is the WORST thing he can think of : "You know, your son looks like a fag to me. You better get re-married soon, or he's gonna have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson." -Paul Newman in Slapshot

All three times I was sitting with my dad. I didnt really understand a lot of what was going on but i knew the last one was a killer. I think I was about 12 or 13, the abuse started when i was 10 or 11. All I remember sitting there was not being able to breath. No gob stoppers thanks. We came out of the movie and I just felt numb. I spend the rest i my life in that state.
I remember taking as many of my moms antidepressants as i could find. There was no trigger, no reason, I just felt like it. I ended up in the hospital. "I'M fine" I said, I couldnt understand what was wrong, i had no words. It was the only time I can remember my oldest brother put his arms around me later as we walked over to my perps house to play pool. "I have to look after you " he said. I knew I was not gay after all that.

I post this cuz I think about how things in our formative years can really screw up our sense of who we are. I was just wondering if anyone else had similar experiences b4 the natural arc came back around again. What closed the lid for you? What opened it finally? Would love to hear of the courage it took to overcome all you went thru.

Its not that easy to have one life now. But it sure is better than the alternative.
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011