hi everyone as some may know i am new here... not quite sure of myself yet at this point in life.. I am gay well least i think i might be that or maybe bi not quite sure. I am a "survivor" as some say and yes i put the quotations around it because i don't even feel as though i am one. I lived in hell for years.. I and my two older brothers were sexually abused by our father for years.. I was also abused 1x by my stepmom though she was forced to do so by my father..that encounter at such a young age for me totally confused me and it resulted in my young sons birth... (its a long story)
i escaped eventually only after she returned handing my son over to me which again is another long story within the story..
So here i am right now, a single father as young as me... the best thing i think that ever happened to me at this point..
I live with my bestfriend currently and away from the town this all happened in. I am still very scared but with him here it somewhat helps.. now the confusing part:
He has admitted that he is Bi and that he loves me and always has. He's told me many times how much he loves me but i can't seem to say that to him. I generally have feelings for him and i do truly love him but its hard to even say it. I knew no love only pain. The only love i know is the unconditional love i have for my own child, the product of a rape that happened to me
(i hate having to admit it but i know its true) My son adores my friend to the very core and i find myself smiling sometimes when i watch them together swimming or watching a cartoon or even fishing...and then the love for my bestfriend creeps in and yet i just don't know.... I landed up trying to have sex with him but i couldn't do it and landed up breaking down, thankfully he understood and kept assuring me it was okay and that he'd just take it slower... Then the next day comes and his girlfriend was over and needless to say i tried with her but couldn't either and again i broke down... now its confusing..
I have feelings for both of them. I truly do love my bestfriend whom my son and i are living with. I also love his girlfriend and he knows this and is accepting to this as so is she. Its a huge mess. We landed in a fight over a major issue dealing with me (i swear its always me causing problems for everyone n my fault all the time) but it led to him screaming at me saying i just didn't want to admit i was gay/bi bc of what happened to me. I don't think this is true. I don't know though. My therapist says i've always been this way but i just don't know bc of what happened. I don't know anything... My friend left and screamed he loved me but all i could seem to scream was "I hate you" and that wasn't what i intended to say...
will i be able to admit my feelings for him at all? its soo hard for me to even accept he loves me... I can admit here i have feelings for him, i love him and am grateful for everything he has done to help me and my son...i can admit i have feelings for his girlfriend but i do have more feelings for him than her. its still so confusing for me and honestly i am scared to even admit to him anything of my true feeling for him and its hard to say to him that i do love him. I am scared of what might happen... I'm already a single father and that is what makes this confusing and hard... I'm only almost 19 with an almost 6yr old and i get comments and people judging me all the time being i am his ONLY parent (upon her handing him over to me days later she took her own life)... I don't want to hurt either of them bc as i have said my son truly adores him and loves him. But i also don't want to hurt him by having him judged because of me and everything. I honestly still don't understand how he can even love me knowing what happened (for the most part)...
Am i just being scared to admit my own feelings normal? could i be bi or am i truly gay? this is all so new to me and i guess this is just another baby step for me.. i hope i haven't confused you's... thanks for even taking the time to read this