*******MIGHT BE DISTURBING TO SOME*******
My fraternal brothers.
Tomorrow it will be a day of sadness for my (separated wife).
For me it will be a day of reflection, on why I destroyed two persons lives that loved me from their heart & soul. Emotionally & mentally. I'll try and explain.
I'll reference the guide book Victims no longer, by Mike Lew. Credit him with this passage. Pp#79.
"Neither can you find as an adult the love you needed as a child."
"However immature you may feel, you are no longer a child."
I won't go into my history of abuse it's elsewhere. I will tell you that I was never meant to have been married.
I am a gay boy/man. I knew my gay sexual orientation by 6 years old.
I was NEVER attracted to girls/females emotionally or mentally, there were no feelings, no bonding towards them ever.
All my attractions & emotions mentally, physically, in mind body & soul was towards males. In my early youth with my boyhood friends.
I would form a special bond with them emotionally,intimately, mentally & physically. I looked at them differently than they looked at me.
In that orphanage/Home at 10 years old I had made a special emotional, mental, physical, sexual & intimate bonding, in mind, body & soul with another gay boy there. We fell in love with one another, innocent, sweet, pure unconditional love. We were there together for four years.
Then there was Ralph, an adult, he was the parent(s) that i never had. I had adopted him to be my mom & dad. This 8 year old boy had made an emotional, mental, physical & sexual bonding with him, in my mind, body & soul. I have never considered what he did to me for the 6 years that we were together off & on as abuse of any kind. But his love for me was conditional to say the least. I still genuinely loved him. I had kept myself his willing victim. My emotional & mental bond was still there. Until recently.
So, as you can see i was a gay boy. The first 17 years of my life I was in a male dominated world mostly.
Never having been with a girl/female save for a few relatives & friends of the family. However i was never with them long enough to have made any emotional & mental bonding, in mind, body or soul. None-zero.
There were 3 females that i had encounters with in my late 20's early 30's.
One was a young German lady that i was set up for a date with, by a friend. She and I went on 3 dates together. I wasn't comfortable, i was way too shy and immature, socially & sexually. I told her i'm sorry but there is no connection between us. Better if you find someone else.
My second encounter with a female was with a woman who was old enough to be my "mom." She met me as her daughter was dating a squadron mate of mine and he would take me to her house to socialise. Her mother was an emotional mess as her husband just passed away. He was a banker in Frankfurt, Germany. They lived about 65 miles away in Wiesbaden. They had an agreement that being he worked late at the bank that he would stay in Frankfurt during the week and come home on Friday nights. Well after he passed away she finds out that he had an apartment and was living with a young German girl. Well here I am with my friend, she sees this young guy, she knows i'm shy & haven't been with girls. So she took it upon herself to teach me the ropes. She grooms me and well to put it bluntly she picked my "cherry." as far as females go. She was proving to her dead husband that she could also find a young man that she could be with. There was nothing there for me, it was just a physical act, totally different sexually than what i was used to. There were no emotions no mental bond nothing but a physical feeling. I never went back. I was 26 or 27 years old.
I got another assignment back to Germany from Vietnam in 1969. It would be there that I would meet a boy and he would change my life forever.
He and I would form an emotional & mental bond with each other. Two lonely & shy persons, a boy 12 years old & an American airman 31 years old. Two persons who could not communicate verbally with each other. He could only speak Polish & just learning German. All I could speak was American and a few words in German. But, we did spend hours in his moms gasthause playing Tic-Tack-Toe together.
He had a stepfather, whom had no interest in him. His mother was too busy running the gasthaus to pay any attention to him either. He was only going to be with them for the summer school break, as he was at a boarding school run by the German social office, as they had just come over from Communist Poland and he was learning the German language & customs. His mother was an ethnic German and she will have her German citizenship restored and he will also become a German citizen.
She could speak a few different languages Russian, English being a few. So she and I could communicate for the most part. She asked me if I could take her son on to the airbase show him around go to the BX. Well if it's OK with you it's OK with me. So he and I were getting a lot closer in making a special bonding. He came and stayed with me in my apartment with his mom's permission. We were always going on the airbase showing him the aircraft, going to the snack bars and of course the BX. He had seen those boys jeans, Levi's, Lee & Wrangler. He asked me if i could get him a pair & his mom will pay me back in German Marks. So i got him a pair of Texashosen as the Germans called them. If you could find them on the local economy they would cost you plenty, about four times what we paid for them in the BX.
Well the next thing his mother comes and stays at my apartment too off and on. She is bonding with me emotionally & mentally. I had no feelings for her at all. But i did enjoy her and her sons company. Then she moves in with me for a while, and we are sleeping in the same bed together. She starts caressing, hugging, kissing me. Wow this is something new for me. The warmth and smell of her body her soft fingers running down my chest, etc. The physical feelings were great. But other than that there was nothing there from me. She has fallen in love with me, but she is still married as the divorce hasn't become final and will not for about another nine months or so.
She is getting an emotional & loving bond with me, because i had an emotional bond with her son.
Well, long story short. I get her pregnant and she moves away from me. She still has the Gasthaus but she hired a lady to run it while she is gone. She will go back to Darmstadt where the German's had them assigned to live as they are still considered refugees. It wasn't long after that i started missing having the Georg around and i just didn't want to live my life alone anymore. So i decide well I love her son and I do care for her too in a way. I'll go and find them and see if they want to come back to Ramstein with me and we can live together. Her divorce just becomes final and she agrees. So we become sort of a family. Georg had finished his boarding school training. So he had to start going to a German school in the village. He quickly finds some friends to pal around with. Finally in his young life he has some stability and someone to share his love & life with.
So as soon as she had her divorce papers. I put in paperwork to get married but whenever you have to deal with the military there are always roadblocks put in your way.First I have to get my squadron commanders approval to get married. Forget that we are the same age. Then she had to have a physical, then they are going to have to make a background investigation on her.
Well along comes another boy, ours, he was born in December of 1972. Still no marriage papers back yet. I ask about where are my papers? They didn't know, but they'll check. Well it seemed that they should have had the papers for a while. So they start looking around the orderly room, and lo & behold there they are. They have been there for a month but someone misplaced them. With papers in hand on the 18Th of April of 1973 we are officially married. Here is this gay boy/man 34 years old now instantly & officially a husband & father to two boys. After our departure from Germany, and landing at McGuire AFB and clearing immigration my wife & stepson get their green cards to live & work in the USA. I had already formed an emotional & mental bonding with my boys in mind, body & soul. They were my everything. I was always hugging them, kissing them telling them I love you. Every moment of my time was for them, totally.
My wife was playing second fiddle to them. As i never had shared my emotions mentally & intimately in a bonding with her. As the boys grew and the years went by she had seen where there was never any kind of an emotional bonding for her. I never hardly ever gave her hugs, kisses or even told her I love you. Hardly ever communicated much with her. Never paid any attention to her hardly. She had endured my alcoholism as she was the buffer between me and my boys. When she was physically in pain i never gave her comfort. But let it be one of the boys well that was a different matter entirely.
She almost died twice from stomach cancer. I never had shed a tear, never went and tried to comfort her. never told her i'm sad for you and I love you. Never. She had told the boys why had she ever put up with me for all those years. If it wasn't for my total love & caring for those boys she would have left me years ago.
But in August of '08 all hell breaks loose with me. That boy hidden inside of me came home to me. I was in deep depression, i wanted to take this stuff to my grave, put it back in the bottle. Too late Pete. I needed emotional & mental support and fast. My wife asked me what's going on with you? I'm never going to tell you. I get appointments at the mental health clinic at the Army airfield in Germany. I get to let it all out to a human being face to face. He tells me it's going to be a long and tough road ahead for me and my wife. My wife? What does she have to do with it? She has shown me no compassion or love since this came to the surface. No emotional support at all. None-Zero Doctor.
After three sessions he asks me to bring my wife with me if she chooses to come. She agrees, and i will sit there and listen as he wants to hear from her. Well do I get an earful. I get (then)35 years of how i have hardly ever showed her any kind of an emotional, mental, intimate & sexual bonding. None-Zero doctor.
He has tons of an emotional, mental bonding with his boys. Always since babies picking them up hugging, kissing & telling them I love you. Every time that he sees them. They hurt, he hurts. They laugh he laughs. They cry & he feels terrible. When they go into a hospital he'll spend hours with them. But for me? There is nothing.
I loved him completely, i thought that something must be wrong with him. No feelings for me. But for his boys, his military friends tons of emotions. Nothing for me. Why doctor?
He tries to explain to her about my "mom's" abuse to me. How there was never an emotional & mental bonding between mother and son. Nothing but hate & pain. And Pete was a gay boy.
Why doctor did Pete marry me if he had no feelings for females? I don't have that answer for you yet. And neither does Pete. But eventually he will get to reason why.
Well doctor, Pete was a great father to his boys & he is a great grandfather to his boys.
So for me he was a lousy husband. But for his boys he was everything.
On the third of March 2009 I walked out the apartment door in Germany. I walked out of her life, forever. No goodbye. No hug. No kiss. No tears. No emotions, NONE-ZERO.
Im my time in therapy over these three years I have thought about the reason why I had married her. Not only because I got her pregnant & took my responsibility of raising my child.
She was giving me the love that i never received as a boy. I just didn't know how to relate to it as an adult. It was all one way. She gave me 100%+ of herself, plus two fine boys.
My stepson committed suicide at 24 years of age. Why? Something i may have said? I know that I had inadvertently started to emotionally & mentally treat him like I was treated. We reconciled. I loved him & he loved me.Obviously he had lost confidence in his dad. What was there we couldn't have talked about? What was there that we couldn't have worked out together?
I have taken full responsibility for his suicide. His mother has lost her son.
Now my wife is 74 years old. She is almost blind. She has had her elbow repaired. She has had two cataract surgeries. A hip replacement. And she suffers from all that pain associated with cancer as they took her stomach & parts of her intestines out. In order to save her life.
She is old and frail.
But the worst of all she is alone. I am sure that 39 years ago when she met and married this American airman. At last she would be with someone that she totally loved forever into eternity.
That vow Peter, For richer or poorer. In sickness & health. until death do us part.
I have failed her as i had failed one son.
But, before i walked out that door & her life she had said to me. Quote "So you want to leave me and go marry a man."
She knew me better that i did.
Thanks "Mom." Because of you I have ruined the lives of the very persons whom genuinely loved me, unconditionally. I just didn't know any better.
Helene, I am truly sorry. I beg your forgiveness.
Pete..aka to her Moose.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.