The man who raped me did many things to torture me and left scars and damage on my body and also my mind. Lately what really gets to me are body memories/triggers surrounding my mouth. I have kidney failure so I can only drink a small amount of water a day, and I have chronic vomiting so I already brush my teeth really often. Still, the feeling of minty freshness only lasts for so long, and then I find myself back at the sink brushing my teeth again. I probably do it about ~25 times a day.
I already ended up in the hospital recently because I kept drinking water trying to wash the dirtiness out of my mouth and the water soothed my hurting teeth. Dialysis + drinking too much water = never a good combination & I am a complete idiot and should have known better. I asked to talk to a counselor in the hospital because I was panicking, and she asked way too many questions like "Were you attracted to him?" and "Did you enjoy it?" I spent more time convincing her I wasn't gay and that he actually did rape me which was NOT what I needed to deal with when I was simply trying to find help.
At this point my mouth hurts all the time. My jaw feels like it is being pried open. My gums bleed when I brush now, and my teeth are really sensitive to the point where drinking hot tea or cold water really bothers me. Right now I just brushed, and already I need to brush again. It hurts to floss but I do it anyway. I use the Biotene mouth spray & gel because I can't drink much water but I still get thirsty, but the worst thing is that I can't get the feeling/taste of the rapist out of my mouth & throat, it still feels like he is always going to be there.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”
- Saint John of the Cross