& !!!!!!!!!!LEE!!!!!!!!!

Lee, what age group do you teach?

I used to mentor kids from group homes here in NYC. Don't get me started on child services. Is it any wonder our society is so messed up when we can't even take care of our at risk children?

Gary,

You felt weird in your forties image this 58 year old man. I jumped in the deep end with the Understanding and Treatment of Victims of Abuse. The bulk of the work is child abuse. I am praying to God it is the most challenging course I will ever take and that the rest of my coarses will go smoother. This Thursday's topic is adult survivors. Think good thoughts, light a candle, say a prayer, but send out any vibe that will help me get through.

In the textbook, whuch isn't all that great, the author matches certain symptoms of csa that can be traced to specific activity within the abusive situation. Guys, i got to tell you, there is an obsession I have that my T and I have not been figuring out (even thugh I suspect he knows but he wants me to discover on my own.) The author lists it to be associated with specific circumstances but not with any other. I will tell you, it is more horrible than I could imagine. I won't say what it is. I can't. My T said once that what happened wasa really bad, that I was tortured. I recall very, very little, but more now that i am skipping down the bloodied primrose path of recovery. It has to do with blood. Anyway, Thursday's class will be interested. Maybe i should take a bottle of valium before I go.

Gary, I know the feelings you've shared. I feel stupid all the time, but the teachers love me because the class can discuss the Stonewall riots in NYC because I remember them firsthand. Or famous abuse cases from the '60's. Eeerg!

However, I use my intellect, wit, etc. to create smoke screens. If they like my class work, they will noit want to know me. I don't understand when some of the studdents want to talk to me or make friends. Gsry, at this time in my life I know i am a dirty glob of flesh with holes for abusive fucking. That's the person i wake up with every day and the person who reacts and responds to others. It took a while for my T to absorb that. He went all cheerleader on me when I started doing well in classes until I finally told him to not talk to me that way as I did not like him making fun of me. Compliments, recognizing good connected with me, does nothing but threaten. He finally said, "Oliver, this is like a minefield to you, isn't it?"

Guys, for the first time this week I have admitted to myself that I am a very emotionally and psycholgically sick man. I know I'm not pathological or psychotic, but I know I am sick. It hurts, but for some reason I am actually relieved.

Anyway, thanks for reaching out to me
O