From Joe Kort, with my own twist.
In the book The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, author and educator Wendy Maltz equates sexual abuse with a violation of a position of trust, power and protection, “an act on a child who lacks emotional & intellectual maturation.” It promotes sexual secrecy among its victims, so that even their own sexual drives, libido, orientation and desires become secrets to themselves.
The fundamental principle here is that you are reenacting your sexual abuse–not expressing a homosexual or bisexual identity.
There is a difference between sexual orientation, preferences, fantasy, and behavior.
This is the key, your orientation is what it is whether you act on it or not. The American Psychological Association defines sexual orientation as “an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, affectional and/or sexual attractions to specific gender(s).” Sexual orientation is a constant and doesn’t change. This can be confusing when someone comes out of the closet. It looks as though the person changes orientation when in fact they are coming out to whom they always really were. They stop role-playing the wrong orientation.
These are sexual acts, positions and fantasies that someone prefers to have when engaging in sexual activity. They can take it or leave it and they enjoy it when they do it. Preferences can change over time and one can become more open or closed to certain sexual fantasies, behaviors and acts.
Sexual Behavior is any behavior intended to pleasure oneself and/or one’s sexual partner. But the sexual behavior you engage in won’t necessarily reflect your orientation.
Sexual Fantasies are any thoughts and ideas that arouse you. They can be erotic and/or romantic. They can be loving and they can be violent. Often they are politically incorrect and are things you would never want to do in reality but in fantasy they are a turn on. They can be about virtually anyone and anything—not just body parts, but clothing and shoes, and even natural objects such as trees and mountains—especially if they remind you of a previous erotic encounter. Memories of music and of aromas (perfume) can have a similar aphrodisiac effect.
Survivors of sexual abuse wonder if their sexual orientation, fantasies and behaviors resulted from the abuse, especially when it results in eroticizing what happened to them from the abuse as in your case here.
Actually eroticizing one’s sexual abuse and reenacting it as an adult is common. In a sense it turns trauma into triumph and victim into victor. In the sexual fantasy, you are controlling what happens unlike the abuse, which controlled you! In the fantasy, everyone is turned on where in the abuse you were turned off.
In other words, it is like your sexual psyche is returning to the scene of the crime to solve it and never actually does.
Its what i thought i was experiencing, just a phase or something that would change if i could just "get it". I was in a great marriage with a wonderful wife and kids. I remember buying books and videos on how to satisfy my wife. I never thot about me. I didnt matter.
I now realize I never could have changed. It was not me. I had never allowed myself to be OK with being me. No one ever tells us growing up that its going to be OK, Cuz it never was. That is part of what drives us to all to the crazy behavior that is then heaped on top of the CSA that only makes the guilt and shame worse. The first part of healing was understanding that, then the slow road to realization does not seem so scary.
Edited by 1lifenow (03/27/12 09:48 AM)
Edit Reason: tidiness
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama
WoR Barrie 2011