hen my abuse began, I suspect I was bisexual with a strong interest in the opposite sex. The homosexual experiences I had at the whims of my abuser, however - as inappropriate as they were - charged through my nascent sexual circuitry. I was only a child; my sexual physiology was being stimulated and worked for the first time. The intensity of the experience far exceeded my ability to control or understand it. You might as well have put me in the driver's seat of a Porsche - I didn't know how to shift, and couldn't even reach the pedals. The car
was driving me
- I was just along for the ride.I
think it takes a leap of faith to suggest that such an intensely formative experience would not alter our sexuality even to a modest degree. I think the premise that one's sexual identity is immutable in the face of CSA is as fundamentally flawed as suggesting that being gay is a "choice." I suspect the former is spouted by those who never experienced CSA, while the latter is hypocrisy echoed by those who have never had to make such a choice.W
ard, I can't tell you enough how much your post here resonates with me, especially this:
After the abuse I not only liked men sexually but wanted to be mistreated by men and felt (feel) the only way to have male friends and keep males happy with me and liking me; is to let them mistreat me and have sex with me.
t's an amazing paradox that the only power we knew was how to be good little "victims." I knew my abuser went "weak in the knees" for me, and that by acceding to his urges I could keep my baby sister safe as well as a lot of other little girls (click my name in my signature below if you need to know the dynamics on that).I
n the final analysis, none of us has ANYTHING to apologize for.
We are who we are. One of the greatest secrets I have learned is that when we truly accept ourselves, we find that others accept us as well. It really, really works.
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
've wasted far to much time trying to be who I thought "others" wanted me to be. I bought into the lie that accepting my sexuality meant I somehow endorsed what happened to me as a boy. I celebrate who I am now - who I had to become. I had no choice - and neither did you. That is how we learned to acclimate and survive, despite our abusers.