J and Brian, I consider you two my friends and all the other guys here too. After this happened I spent alot of time thinking about my abuse and Wayne and how angry I was and I took a couple steps backwards. I got to feeling really sorry for myself again, which I didn;t like at all.

It helps to talk to people. Some people know about my abuse, some people know about me and Kimmie but not everyone knows the whole story. I opened up to some more people. I talked to my sister alot because it helps to get a womans point of view. We talked ablot about the abuse and what happened the last few years while I tried to deal with it. She asked me what i did to show Kimmie that I;m sincere and want her back. I said that I told her but my sister said what did I really do about it to show her? She thought I should start making some gestures, doing some things just for Kimmie. Just doing those things might make me feel better too and in the past few years I didn;t do much for her while I was remembering the abuse and then screwing everything up. I don;t want to get my hopes up too much but tomorrow I;m buying a do it yourself fountain at the Home Depot to put in Kimmie's garden while she;s at work just as a small gesture that I;m sorry for what I did to her and to show I love her.I know I wasn;t there for her for a long time and it serves me right if she;ll never speak to me again but I gotta try and it;s from the heart. It;s not just that I didn;t meet her needs or do things for her while I was dealing with my own issues, I forgot that she even had needs of her own.

[ August 30, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]

[ August 30, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]