What I am about to write will hopefully not only be an account of my life's journey but, also will give inspiration to others to write about their life's journey. Some who read this will have nothing more to do with me.
For the last 22 years, (yes, some of you will say "wtf" 22 years) I have lived to recreate the abuse. I have sought out others to abuse me. Man on Man sex was were life was at for me. I have been addicted to alcohol and sex. The more abusive the sex - the better. Even if I bled, it was a sign of relief - a sense of accomplishment. I sought out the worst.
I am not sure how many men I have been sexual with. I have "buried" several men for which I have been sexual with who became my friends. Only one did I know was a victim did I continue to be friends with until his death in 2006.
He was a victim. He was never a survivor like us. He admitted to me that he was a victim of sexual abuse by his uncle. As the saying goes in AA - he continued drinking and sexualizing himself "into" to the pit of death. Yes, you read it right - DEATH.
I write this post as a first step in my recovery of the abuse from childhood into adulthood.
I know this forum was created for those men who are survivors of abuse as adults. I am here to say there are those of us men who were abused as children who have gone on to seek out abuse from men (and women too) as adults.