Life's A Dream -

Just read your last post again and realized there was another point to respond to...

Yeah, women are way more free to express emotions. That is a trait ingrained in both males and females from birth. Girls are emotional. Guys are rational. Don't show your feelings - above all - BOYS DON"T CRY!!!

For me, I was made to feel by my step-father (also Perpetrator) that my emotions were invalid and worthless and I knew that they were also dangerous because they exposed my weaknesses and made me more vulnerable. If I didn't express hurt then maybe I wouldn't be hurt as much and couldn't feel the hurt. I just switched it off. Now that I think of it, it was almost a conscious decision. It's harder to reverse it.

Then when I was bullied and abused at school, scouts and the Y, I had the same lesson re-inforced - don't let em know how much they are getting to you. It will only be worse. No wonder we keep our feelings secret from everyone else - to the point where they become a mystery to us as well.

As for anger - I just can't seem to get it to "work." Maybe if I could just really lose control once it would be a health thing, but I can't imagine it ever happening. I can put it all into words - but that is as far as it goes. I am really into self-control in that area. I feel pressure building up and lots of anxiety but no real anger at all. My T once told me I told my story with the same level of feeling as if i was reading the phone book. Since then I've managed to find and express some grief but no anger...

Lee

_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago