Hey, Innocence Lost & Life's a Dream:
Yup - the confusion!
Maybe the trauma disconnected our emotions or scrambled the circuits or something. I know I'm *supposed* to have both emotional and sexual attractions to the same person, but it's like one goes one direction and the other goes the other. I can't seem to connect love and sex or even get them anywhere close together. They are like opposites to me. Sex is either just physical and neutral or else loaded with negative and scary associations. Love is in a little box that must remain pure and untouched and therefore is difficult to consummate.
And the emotions are almost totally disconnected. I have enough awareness to recognize the feelings I *should" be having - but don't really feel them - just sort of identify them without experiencing them fully. Numb. Like the lyrics from "My Little Town" by Paul Simon:
"and after it rains there's a rainbow,
But all of the colors are black.
It's not that the colors arenb't there -
Just imagination they lack."
That's my emotions - all shades of black. And my relationships all get screwed up from the deadening of the emotions.
And weird thing - though I fear and resent the same sex events that got me here, I sort of indentify with and understand and feel defensive about gays - though I don't want to join them and would run like hell if ever approached in that way.
But at the same time, I have a desire to be fully a part of the hetero world but feel excluded and disqualified and unable to participate there.
What is left......?
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago