I hear you, man! Not gay - but don't function well as hetero either. But elements of both that are in constant conflict and cause anxiety and discomfort with any contact beyond a simple handshake. Yeah - and I go so far to avoid anything that could be misinterpreted as abuse that I avoid normal human expressions of afffection and end up being alone and perceived as cold and stand-offish. I even have a tough time initiating physical intimacy in the most safe and protected setting and relationship.
Anyway --- you're not the only one, if that helps at all. It IS hard, I know...
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago