I hear you, man! Not gay - but don't function well as hetero either. But elements of both that are in constant conflict and cause anxiety and discomfort with any contact beyond a simple handshake. Yeah - and I go so far to avoid anything that could be misinterpreted as abuse that I avoid normal human expressions of afffection and end up being alone and perceived as cold and stand-offish. I even have a tough time initiating physical intimacy in the most safe and protected setting and relationship.
Anyway --- you're not the only one, if that helps at all. It IS hard, I know...
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9