You know... I keep telling myself "it's not your fault."

I tell myself a lot, "if you could have stopped it, you would have."

But it doesn't work. Not all the way. I don't blame myself for most of what happened to me directly, but I just can NOT seem to apply the same logic to the inability to get Sis out of it... I just can't seem to get that through my thick skull. I can't, just haven't been able to apply the same logic to my sister's involvement. Still furious with myself for not being able to get her loose, for my involvement in hurting her, and yes I know, it was out of my control, but that just doesn't seem to be enough, either. Sometimes I wonder if I would be dealing with it any better if she had NOT been involved, or if I'd been able to at least get her out. It pisses me the HELL off! To the point sometimes of just pounding on a heavy bag until my knuckles split open. She's the baby sis. I'm supposed to be able to at least protect my sister, if not myself!

And I am soooo SICK of the body memories, too. I almost decked a coworker tonight, and it wasn't his fault. I swear I FELT it, could FEEL myself getting dragged down again. And I swung, and I damn near hit him. There are times I just want to stop what I'm doing and simply scream. It's infuriating. It's frustrating. They feel so damned REAL, I react before my brain has even registered that it was a figment of imagination and not the here-and-now! ARGH!

I don't want to hurt someone. I'm really worried that I'm going to wind up hurting somebody over this. My responses are WAY too fast. I warn people all the time to not stand inside of my arms' reach... they don't always listen or remember it... do I need to put a sign on my back that tells everyone that I'm a potential danger to you? Get back, stay back, wild wolf, might turn and bite without warning!

I dunno. Frustrated with it. Not sure how to stop them or if I just have to wait them out and give it time or what. I work in construction. With things like drills and hammers and scaffolds and brick and mortar and lumber. I can't afford to be dangerous to someone else. This is a field guys get killed in for making a silly mistake. Now they got a guy who randomly freaks out and swings?? Maybe he needs to stop working for a while? Or maybe find a job to work in that can't get people killed when he lashes out and turns on them, huh?

Frustrated.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (12/20/11 08:34 AM)
Edit Reason: Spelling Errors
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Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.