You're angry. And scared. You're angry that you were dealt a raw hand in life. You're angry that you suffered abuse at the hands of people who should have cared for you.
I can see how you can look at yourself as a failure; this is what many of us do before we find the bigger perspective of who we are, and what we're tasked with doing.
We survived not only at the hands of the abusers who took our innocence and sense of self, but we also survived the mayhem and psychological labyrinth that develops within each of us as we try to navigate our lives with a broken compass and porous boundaries that do nothing to give us security.
Living 50 years like that has to be quite a challenge. And yet you did. Sure, things are imperfect. You're unable to hold down a job. You're angry about that, and you feel like you're at fault.
But is it your fault (your failure?) if you grew up without a compass that most people take for granted?
Is it your fault (your failure) if you grew up without a coherent set of boundaries in which to feel secure inside your own skin, knowing who you are?
I don't think those are failures. You did the best that you could, given what was done to you, taken from you, robbed from you.
You survived. I hope that you find that perspective shift that many of us have had while on the road to recovery. I seem to have had that perspective shift.
Believe it or not, less than a year ago I felt like a total failure too. I can't hold down any relationship. Don't know how to make friends. Don't understand romance. Disconnected from family. I"m chronically lonely.
I used to beat myself up for that. I used to think I was a failure because I couldn't comprehend some simple things.
But now I understand that as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I have PTSD and dissociation, which makes relationships and building relationships extremely difficult, if not impossible.
This isn't my failure. It isn't my fault.
But it IS my responsibility to try and resolve. No one else is going to fix it for me, so it is up to me to do the work.
I understand your fear of being over 50 in a depressed economy. I don't know what to tell you there.
But I can assure you that you are not a failure, no matter how much you think of yourself to be. You survived a very hellish experience, and now you're here asking questions and looking for help.
I think that takes tremendous courage, and I think that is a testament to your strength and wisdom.
I see a human being with a lot of anger and fear and self hatred. This is quite normal for men who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Please be kind to yourself. You deserve the unconditional love that every human should have. And, our task is to learn how to love ourselves unconditionally.